Hey guys I wrote this essay for the Common App topic of someone who has impacted your life. I would really really appreciate any comments you have, especially as to whether I got my point across well. I'm considering just scrapping the whole essay and redoing it, but I figured I'd let y'all have a chance to pick it apart first! Thanks in advance, I really do appreciate it!
At Westwood High School, a school renowned for its intense academics and incredibly smart student body, there is only one class that strikes fear into the hearts of the most hardened of bookworms. AP U.S. History, otherwise known as "APUSH", is known as GPA suicide. Just mention the term and you'll have a group of people reiterating their personal accounts of sleepless nights and failed tests. For some reason, I decided this would be a fun way to spend my junior year.
When you decide to embark on such a treacherous journey, you are equipped with three main tools. A pen with which to scribble copious amounts of notes, a binder to keep those notes in, and most important of all, Alan Brinkley's 1,056 page American History: A Survey. Alan Brinkley and I were destined to be very close friends by the end of the year, even if he never knew it.
Up until this point, I had always occupied a strange niche at school. I had been in "Talented and Gifted" classes since the second grade so that put me in the nerd pile. But I was also blonde and an athlete, and in a school where a high percentage of the kids in advanced classes were of Asian descent, I stuck out. I had never identified a true "gift" besides making a ball curve as it crossed the plate. My classes all blended together, becoming more of a chore than a true interest. So at the end of my sophomore year when my social studies teacher told me I had a true "talent" for history, I dismissed her. How could someone be talented at history? It was just reading a book and answering questions, right?
Alan Brinkley taught me otherwise. As I walked around Westwood carrying my book, I became part of the cult, those crazy enough to attempt APUSH. I had a true identity for the first time; I was an "APUSHer". I remember with joy posting witty American history related Facebook statuses, anticipating the "likes" from my new friends from class. At night I rushed through the rest of my homework just to be able to crack open Brinkley's work. Every time I read a section I was amazed at the humor infused throughout what was an apparently dry textbook. I was truly engaged in the material, it forced me to think and I loved it. But it wasn't just the fact I had finally found a class I truly enjoyed going to everyday, I had found a subject that I seemed to completely understand. The kids sitting next to me could without a doubt solve an equation faster then me, but I was the one they came to whenever they needed help distinguishing between Radical Reconstruction and Presidential Reconstruction. To me it was just a manner of analyzing people and their circumstances; it was a big story, one with no ending.
My experience with Brinkley came to a head as the AP test ended and the entire gym broke out into a thunderous round of applause. Outside the gym door awaited last years APUSH finishers forming a big tunnel congratulating us on our final feat. In that moment, the year culminated into one big realization "you can't escape history" (as written on our commemorative pencils). Thanks Mr. Brinkley.
MAN! NOW THAT WAS A GOOD ESSAY!! It had a little bit of everything: passion, dedication, humor, good syntax, strong diction choice, great sentence length. I throughly enjoyed it.
Now for my thoughts...
I would start off with a stronger, more excting hook. Yours is good, but it is slightly bland. No offense. Seeing the rest of the essay, it seems lacking. I think you could start with a different intro, maybe your favorite day of class or something. Idk. But I think it could be better!!
When you decide to embark on such a treacherous journey, you are equipped with three main tools: a pen with which to scribble copious amounts of notes, a binder to keep those notes in, and most important of all, Alan Brinkley's 1,056 page American History: A Survey. (you forgot a colon)
But I was also blonde and an athlete, and in a school where a high percentage of the kids in advanced classes were of Asian descent, so I stuck out.
I don't know if you should use rhetorical questions in this essay. It's good use of it, but idk if the common app essay is where it should be applied. Just something that seems odd to me...
As I walked around Westwood, carrying my book, I became part of the cult, those crazy enough to attempt APUSH. (this last part seems kinda wierd. i think it should be "a cult, crazy enough to attempt APUSH". )
At night, I rushed through the rest of ....
Every time I read a section, I was amazed...
To me, it was just a manner of....
My experience with Brinkley came to an head end as the....
Outside the gym door , awaited last years APUSH....
All in all, these are minor corrections. It is a very solid essay!! Out of curiosity, where are you appyling? I too am doing the Common APP so read my essay too!!
-VM
THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are seriously my favorite person right now :) I'm headed over to check out your essay! I'm applying to the University of Chicago, Williams, Haverford, and Swarthmore! How about you?
hahah thanks! im appyling to : u of minnesota, u of wis-madison, stanford, u of illinois at chicago, u of illinois at urbana-champaign, carleton college, u of michighan and also U OF CHICAGO!!!! nice!!
Whoa you must be a midwesterner! Best of luck with U-Chi!!!!! Maybe I can get you to review my supplement essay... ; )
hahah yeah. i live in MN. my top choice is madison or uiuc. Hbu?
and i could help you with your u-chicago supplement, if you help me with mine!!!
To expound on comments given earlier, I think that your introductory paragraph should describe the book. Although I like the intro paragraph you have written, it is not particularly gripping. The most interesting approach you could use would be to describe the book (without giving its title) as if you are describing something scary. I cannot immediately think of an example (sorry), but it will give you something to play around with.
AP U.S. History, or "APUSH," is GPA suicide to anyone daring enough to take it.
Up until this point, I had never really occupied a niche at school. Having been in "Talented and Gifted" classes since the second grade, I was automatically thrown in the nerd pile. But being blonde and athletic, I stuck out from the many Asian students that filled the seats of my advanced classes. And up until this point, I had never really felt that I had a "gift," either. Perhaps making a ball curve as it crosses the plate if that counts. But beyond that, there was nothing. That is, until at the end of my sophomore year. Approached by my social studies teacher, I was told that I had a true "talent" for history. At first, I dismissed her. How could someone be talented at history? It was just reading a book and answering questions, right? Alan Brinkley taught me otherwise.
And for the first time, I found my niche. As I walked the halls of Westwood touting my book, I became part of the cult comprised of those crazy enough to attempt APUSH. I had a true identity for the first time; I was an "APUSHer."
My classes all blended together, becoming more of a chore than a true interest. DELETE! To you this may seem like a harmless segue into your next thought. But consider how colleges will perceive an applicant who says that his/her classes were more chores than true interests...
I remember the joy of posting witty American history-related Facebook statuses, anticipating the "likes" from my new friends from class. At night I rushed through the rest of my homework just so I could crack open Brinkley's work. Every time I read a section I was amazed by the humor infused throughout the seemingly dry textbook. I was truly engaged in the material; it forced me to think, and I loved it. But it wasn't just the fact that I had finally found a class I truly enjoyed going to every day; I had found a subject that I seemed to completely understand. The kids sitting next to me could, without a doubt, solve an equation faster then me, but I was the one they came to whenever they needed help distinguishing between Radical Reconstruction and Presidential Reconstruction. To me it was just a manner of analyzing people and their circumstances; it was a big story, one with no ending.
My experience with Brinkley came to a head as the AP test ended and the entire gym broke out into a thunderous round of applause. Outside the gym door awaited last years APUSH finishers forming a big tunnel congratulating us on our final feat. In that moment, the year culminated into one big realization: "you can't escape history" (as written on our commemorative pencils). Thanks, Mr. Brinkley.
Largely minor grammatical errors...
Please consider the following structure for your essay: (1) gripping intro paragraph (2) paragraph about how you have never really had a niche in high school (3) you were initially drawn to history when your teacher said you had a talent for history (4) you were reluctant to take the course because of the horror stories from past students; describe APUSH (5) all your experiences from APUSH and how it has given you a niche (6) conclusion... Make these revisions and you will have an excellent essay! I would really like to hear your feedback for my essay, but I am currently in the process of making revisions... I will likely post a revised copy in the next couple days! Good luck!
