Hey,
What is this essay for? (Common app, supplement, etc.)
Well I really like everything you have there-I think you capture the essence of team sports effectively. But I'm left wondering why and example wasn't used? I think you could show a lot of the things you mention, much more effectively than you can talk about them (ex.
When forming a team it is necessary to adapt yourself to best suit team dynamics. By sacrificing and collaborating to reach a shared goal, a team forms bonds comprised of mutual trust and interdependence. I have learned to bring my positive traits into a team and leave my less desirable traits behind.
Could you show that?
Sports allow me to push myself to new levels physically and mentally everyday.
How?
And also, maybe make the sentence about being a role model a little more natural or subtle, it kinda seems different than the rest of the sentences, which focus on you.
I wrote a similar essay, except focused on bball- think you could take a look at it pls?