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"the impact of neurological disorders; biology" - Cornell CAS Prompt


donkeykong98732 /  
Dec 20, 2010   #1
Can you please check for grammar/technicality mistakes?
Thank you!

Cornell: Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.

Red-faced and short of breath, William falls to the floor at times during his seizures. Such seizures cause much worry among the volunteers at KLEMA, the disability ministry of the Open Door Presbyterian Church. William is a student who has autism and is my buddy in the KLEMA ministry, which I am lucky to have been a part of for the past four years. My deep interest in biology stemmed from my time of service in KLEMA.

The various neurological disorders, ranging from partial seizures to mental retardation, I have seen during my service have inspired me to study biology and become a pediatric neurosurgeon. Interacting with the students of KLEMA, and seeing the impact of neurological disorders in their lives has made me more interested in learning about the biology of the human brain.

My hunger for knowledge about the human brain can only be satiated by receiving an education from an institution of higher education such as Cornell. I see myself taking biology classes such as the "Brain Mind and Behavior" class taught by Professors Elizabeth Adkins-Regan and Ronald Roy Hoy and the "Clinical Neurobiology" class taught by Professor Ronald Booker. I can implement the knowledge gathered from such classes to aid me in my aspirations of becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon.

The variety of complexities found in Biology intrigues me to no end. Biology is a subject matter in which there are constantly new discoveries being made through research. The continuous improvements to what is already a complex science are fascinating and motivate me to learn as much as I can. Through seeking my education at Cornell, I hope to be shaped as an intelligent individual always looking for opportunities to learn.

Not only is Cornell known for its scholastic eminence where I can undoubtedly learn about the complexities of science, but it is also known for its richness in resources and diversely intellectual students. With each of Cornell's many students striving for success, there comes about a very competitive atmosphere. Although some people see this as a negative aspect of a school, I see it as an opportunity to learn more from the students. Since the students are always learning from both the school and from each other, this makes Cornell a site of cooperative learning, which I want to be a part of.

With my passion and Cornell's education, I desire to become a being that will one day be able to contribute much to society. As an establishment "where any person can find instruction in any study," Cornell will guide me on my way to my ultimate goal of studying biology to become a Pediatric Neurosurgeon to help people like my buddy, William.
bob503 2 / 3  
Dec 20, 2010   #2
Cornell will guide me on my way to my ultimate goal of studying biology to become a Pediatric Neurosurgeon to help people like my buddy, William.

Cornell will guide me to my ultimate goal of studying biology to become a Pediatric Neurosurgeon to help people like my buddy, William.

I would cut out "on my way to" because of redundancy.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
I'm impressed! I have no complaints until I get to this sentence:
My hunger for knowledge about the human brain can only be satiated by receiving an education from an institution of higher education such as Cornell. -------- meaningless! Don't waste a lot of words to say something simple. That is just "fluff."

I can implement the knowledge gathered from such classes to aid me in my aspirations of becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon. This is too general. If you mention those two classes, you can mention the texts books as well, or some other thing to show that you are already proactively building your knowledge of the work of the professors and text book authors, as well as other scholars specializing in areas that interest you.

With my passion and Cornell's education, I desire to become a being that will one day be able to contribute much to society. This uses many words to say something simple. I challenge you to come up with a sentence that expresses your unique calling, your unique way of contributing to society. What do you intend to do? :-)


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