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Undergraduate Posts: 3

Impact of people on social media


elegantbug 1 / -  
Jan 8, 2019   #1

fascinating and interesting topic



Hello! I would love some feedback on my essay! The prompt is: What is a topic that you find fascinating and are interested in exploring? Word limit is 200. I'm not sure if my topic/main idea is very clear though... Thank you in advance!

Ding! My phone gently vibrates in my hand. I glance down at the tiny screen to a notification that my post has received 10 more likes. I can't help feeling pleased and hastily wipe the slight smile off my face. Although I tell myself that I don't need the justification of others and that caring about "likes" is vain, I can never stop the small seed of satisfaction that springs up inside of me. These days, I frequently hear adults argue that social media is toxic and a leading factor in teenage depression. I directly have never experienced bullying or gotten any "hate" from my fellow classmates online. However, I have a separate art and photography account which has racked up over twenty thousand followers, most who are strangers. On this account, I have repeatedly been the target of malicious comments, but always from absolute strangers. These incidents have steered me to a puzzling question: why do so many feel justified in using the internet to bully and bring down people that they have never met? We all know that most of them would never dare directly say the words they comment, so why do they act as though typed words hurt any less than spoken ones?

StevenSameh1512 8 / 24  
Jan 8, 2019   #2
This is impressing essay so far, you discussed a problem really appealing in today's world. The grammer in this essay is perfect but there are 2 run of sentences I noticed you must reduce them to be more impressive.

"Although I tell myself that I don't need the ..." This sentence is very long, which can decrease readability. So I suggest to remove that in the part "Although I tell myself that"

"We all know that most of them ..." Here is the same, you can reduce the sentence by removing that from the part "we all know that"

Some words also if you added, it will be more interesting just like:
Instead of "need" you can put "require"
instead of "however I have" you can say "however, I possess"
Over all, this essay is completely satisfying me from my point of view. I hope this help.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,489 1927  
Jan 9, 2019   #3
Sunny, the topic for the essay has come too late in the presentation. You have spent too much time discussing the backstory and almost no time discussing the actual topic. You should reverse the presentation. Kick it off by setting up the opinion of the adults regarding cyber bullying and social media then discuss your experience regarding these two topics. Although, instead of explaining your experience and wasting time with your 2 different experiences, explain why the world of social media, as it relates to cyber bullying is an interesting and fascinating topic for you to explore instead. Right now, the essay is more focused on creating the backstory than actually discussing the prompt requirement. A few presentation adjustments should fix that problem immediately. Remember, you don't need to build the backstory. You have to build your interest in the topic instead. Don't digress from the actual prompt requirements as you did in this essay. By the way, you need to come up with a more imaginative and relevant title for your essay. The current one doesn't really say anything about the discussion that is taking place in the essay nor the topic of the essay itself. The title should be a contained summarized discussion presentation to be more effective.


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