Impartial - one word to best describe my community - UC personal statement Promp

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Although the community I grew up in has had many bad things happen, it also has many good things happen. I come from a place where many individuals become successful; while others have no life set goals they want to accomplish. The events that occur within my community have affected me and everyone else within the community. My community has contributed to my qualities of being hardworking and always having tolerance.

One word to best describe my community would have to be impartial. A lot of times in my neighborhood I see people work hard to reach a certain goal they have planned. But others, they just don't seem to try hard enough. If I said the world I came from was perfect, I would clearly be stating false accusations.

The world I come from has shaped my dreams and aspirations in numerous ways. I've always believed that the environment a person comes from is what determines person's qualities, both right and wrong. My school has also played a big role as one aspect of my community, including my family. My family has always encouraged me to push forward in order to be the best that I can be. My family and my community is my motivation.

Throughout my life I have always attended small schools. Going to small schools has given me many opportunities to have closer interactions with my fellow classmates than I ever could have if I were to attend a large school. My world has shaped me into who I am now. My community has taught me tolerance, patience and hard work. My family has taught me to never give up and to always keep the faith if I want to achieve. My school has taught me something as well; school has taught me how to be interactive and friendly with my peers. With these qualities I now possess, I am ready to strive to pursue my dreams

It's great structure, but how about starting out with an example or a quote. You want the beginning to be very interesting so that the reader doesn't get bored there. It's not boring at all, but if I were you, I would start out in a different way. And then just add the rest. Please take a look at my essay and help!

Hi!
i think your essay is very good but the beginning is really flat, so start it in an interesting way.

Thank you so much! And I agree with you, maybe starting off with a quote will make my essay better. But I've also started my new essay with an anecdote. So, hopefully it is much better! Of course I'll read your essay, thank you for your feedback.