Howdy! I was hoping to join this community to see how I may revise my essay as a transfer applicant for UT Austin. I feel as though I could use a lot of help!
All comments and suggestions are very much appreciated!
Topic E: Issue of Importance
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Executing knowledge from education is essential for the advancement of humanity. Challenges and questions that arise in this progress are overcome by those who value academics above all else. Without appreciating this value, one cannot excel in the process of learning. Education is vitally important for those who want to succeed in life.
As a collective human race, we have created a better life for society due to our own inclination for higher thought. Discoveries have been made, sustained, and elaborated so that our descendants may benefit themselves and their descendants as well. It has been approximately one hundred years ago that we invented the automobile for a more efficient way of travel, and only thirty years ago since the invention of the mobile phone. As of today, our knowledge is allowing us to provide alternatives or answers for the misfortunes of life. In a most recent article that I have read, researchers have pinpointed an area that is known to be the first place where Alzheimer's disease first develops. The researchers who made the discovery appreciate and execute their expertise of brain science to help the world in a possible solution of preventing this disease. One day, future generations may find resolution into stopping the development of this issue.
From what I have observed, my generation has viewed education in a negative aspect. Throughout high school, I have recognized reluctance in some of the other students. Many of my acquaintances bolstered the idea that attending college was not required because it takes a lot of effort to do so. They lost interest in learning new concepts, and paid closer attention to the social aspect that came from attending classes. These people graduated with their high school diplomas and thought they were ready for the world. Some of them did not enroll into college and decided to work for minimum wage, while others continued their education in community colleges. It was only after a short while that these more responsible acquaintances dropped out of enrollment after one or two semesters. This impacted my perspective of the generation's reluctance to learn and improve their view of the world. As Aristotle once quoted, "Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all." The significance of this idea was an exceptional part of my own appreciation of education, to which I sincerely value.
Learning holds a genuine importance in my life. As a student of the natural sciences, I admit that there is a vast amount of information required to solve the puzzling question that life has given us. If not properly informed, then I would not gain the potential to execute the knowledge to further our understanding of the world. The academic history of my family holds a vital role in my understanding of intellectual values. My mother dropped out of college to live in the United States of America, and my father did not have any intentions after high school to enroll. My older sister had an aspiration to become a dance instructor after her studies at Sam Houston State University, but she did not continue after her year of enrollment. Their disinclination of learning has compelled me to further my own.
Knowledge is profitable, and humanity has progressed due to valuing and implementing education. The benefits that come from our understanding of the world allow us to live a more fulfilling life. Nothing is more rewarding than to feel the satisfaction of discovering a concept or idea that could shape the world, and by utilizing the education that one receives is an important part of reaching that satisfaction.
The first sentence of the essay is a 'truism', so it is not interesting. It's better to start by saying something that will surprise the reader.
In this sentence a word is wrong: Challenges
and questions that arise in this progress are overcome by those who value academics above all else. --- questions are not to be overcome, so the sentence should not include that part.
There is a grammar rule called 'number agreement'. If a sentence is plural, keep everything plural:
...allow us to live
a more fulfilling life lives.
It has been approximately one hundred years
ago that since we invented the automobile.... This is an interesting example. Our knowledge brought us to a better way to travel, but also the emissions from automobiles might be the reason the human race becomes extinct due to consequences of climate change. For that reason, I think you might be able to make this a better essay if you look at both sides of the coin. Knowledge is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it is safer when you do not know something! It's ironic. So, digging a bit deeper maybe you will revise this essay to go a step further and suggest that knowledge is 'profitable', as you mention, but that it also is potentially dangerous.
Here's some insight from the Tao:
Cutting doors and windows into a house, or shaping clay into a cup, it is the empty space that creates usefulness. "Profit comes from what is there; Usefulness from what is not there." : )
Thank you for posting this essay. I like the way it is written, and personally, I wouldn't change any of it.
I too saw the same issues while going to college. I felt as if I was the only one who wanted to succeed in life and dream big. Many people go through their college careers thinking of the burden of college costs, peer pressure, family problems, and the need for a passing grade. Yet they forget the whole purpose of the course. Many strive for an A and stress day and night for that A, but hey, what was the purpose of the course? What did you understand from the course as a whole?
I think that people lose their motivation because of how our society is. We are controlled by what we see, and sometimes we are not aware of our surroundings. The majority of Americans don't read books.
My hopes for the future is that we teach our kids the importance of education at an early age. And like Ishita Katyal said, "Let's not ask our children what they want to be when they grow up, let's ask them what they want to be now!"
I really liked the topic of your essay. It is very true that our education system has become all about grades and the students are missing the point that the actual motto of education is to learn and gain knowledge. However, you might want to change the intro of your essay as it sounds too heavy and might be little difficult to comprehend when a reader is reading for the first time. The key is to catch the attention of the reader with introductory lines that are not just fresh and interesting but to the point. You might want to check out this link /essays/Knowledge-From-Education-60997681.html to get an idea of how to come up with simple and interesting intro.