Please give me honest opinions. I'm applying to very competitive schools and want my essay to shine. My main concern is that the experience might be overpowering my voice. I tried to incorporate my voice in the piece. Am I being paranoid? Anyway, here's my essay:
Brightly colored dresses, babies slung on backs, old wise men and women, and the most carefree, joyous dancing I'd ever seen. These are the first things that come to mind when I think about my trip to Africa. I went to Mali with the organization BuildOn to build a school for the impoverished village of N'Tiola. Since I'm a first-generation immigrant, and am therefore well versed on different cultures, I never expected my trip to have such a profound impact on my perspective of the world. However, my trip was perhaps the most defining two weeks of my life.
The first few days were overwhelming-it seemed like everywhere I turned there was something unfamiliar, ranging from goats (not lions as most would expect) roaming about to toh, a Malian porridge. Yet, I quickly became accustomed to the Malian customs I found to be so foreign mere days ago. In the course of those two weeks, I became a Malian. When I came back home, I had acquired cornrows, a "husband" since a man in the village playfully proposed to me, and awesome Malian dance moves. But above all, I returned with a sense of increased cultural awareness. Now that I had seen a society that was the antithesis of American society, I had a unique outside perspective that most Americans lack.
Through my experience, I learned that though Americans might have luxuries others can only dream of, we aren't necessarily the most content place in the world. Despite the lack of modern conveniences such as running water, electricity and modern technology, the people of N'Tiola were the happiest people I'd known. Unlike most Americans, I've never heard a Malian complain. They are also among the most passionate people I'd ever encountered. Everywhere I looked, I found an inspiring role model. For example, my host brother who was in his early twenties was learning French and was trying to learn some English so he could get a job in the city. While teaching him English, I realized the passion he had for learning that is missing in many American children who don't realize the significance of education. In an extremely patriarchal society, I found inspiring women who defied gender roles. Alene, the Trek Coordinator, is the strongest woman I have ever seen. She refused to simply be an uneducated house wife and now has a wonderful job which supports her entire family.
I've truly learned the importance of an education from the people of N'Tiola. School was something I mostly took for granted before my trip. Seeing not only the adults, but also the young children of the village so excited about the prospect of going to school was inspiring and touching beyond words. It brought tears to my eyes. Before my trip, I did well in school primarily because good grades were expected of me. After, I worked diligently to learn, not only because I love it but also for the millions of children who don't have the opportunity to.
Thanks!
I like your essay a lot. It tells your story pretty uniquely. But you could make it better by elaborating a bit more on how you changed after the trip. You mention that your causes for studying changed, which is pretty good, but try to include other things too. How did your perspective of day-to-day life change? What things did you start doing differently other than studying?
But that's just my opinion, the essay is still pretty good as it is.
Look at my commonapp essay if you can. Thanks a lot!
