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The importance of education - personal essay (TOPIC E) for UT transfer


hope 1 / -  
Feb 6, 2010   #1
Greeting!

I wrote my personall essay for transfer.
Please let me know if I answer the promt. Any harsh input would be appreciated. Thanks!

Promt: Choose an issue of importance to you -the issue could be personal, school related, local, political or international in scop and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community or your generation.

Here it is..

Education is the most important process in life, passing on knowledge from one generation to another. The importance of education is neglected when a nation is at war. My parents are victims to the Post-Korean War era. The educational system was destroyed in South Korea. At the time my parents were able to attend elementary school, the country was still under reconstruction. Due to the circumstances, my parents had to work to support their families instead of going to school. It was unfortunate for them to have a long delay in formal education. As time progressed, education became more important.

My generation was fortunate to have a more organized and qualified educational structure then previous generations. My parents have emphasized the importance of having an education because they know their lives would be different if they were given the same opportunities as I did. Ever since I was born my parents have pushed me along from one grade level to the next, always reiterating the importance of completing my education. Even though they did not have a higher education, they were always willing to participate in my education either directly or indirectly. Getting accepted into a good high school was as important as getting accepted into a good college. My parents both worked to support my high school tuition which is a common thing in Korea. When I was in high school, my parents were not able to help me on the subject material I struggled with, so they saved enough money to send me to several after school tutoring centers where I could gain the knowledge I needed to succeed in high school.

As a young adolescent I was pushed to succeed where my parents had failed not fully understanding what I really wanted to do with my life. In my second year in high school I was asked where I wanted to go to college. I had never actually thought about where I wanted to go to school or even what I wanted to pursue a degree in. Listening to my friends and how excited they were to attended a college for tourism and hospitality, influenced my decision. I was very fascinated with speaking English that I had thought tourism and hospitality was something I'd like to do as well. My parents supported my degree plan but they limited me to where I could go due to tuition and expenses. They worked longer hours to pay for my tuition with one thought in mind, my education was the most important priority in there life. I graduated with a four year degree which made my parents very happy.

The importance of education has a different meaning to different people. Education was important to me because it was important to my family. I was told having an education that it was something that no one could ever take away. Knowledge is power and the power of knowledge helps us grow. Now that I am more mature I am continuing my education to pursue a degree that I find important to me and the knowledge that I will gain will not only benefit me, it will benefit my husband and our future children. This is why I think education is important in my lifetime.

________

In my personal opinion, It is way too personal, I read other people's essays, they were more like research papers, it seem dry but well written. I think mine is not well focused. What y'all think?
yang 2 / 313  
Feb 7, 2010   #2
My generation

I. use I whenever you can.

In my personal opinion, It is way too personal

definitely not

I read other people's essays, they were more like research papers, it seem dry but well written

you've read crappy essays then

I think mine is not well focused

hmm...it is well focused in that you've got a central theme: education, but you try to fit your entire life in such a tiny space that it seems all over the place.

The essay has some grammar errors which I won't bother to correct. Just get an English teacher.

Now, on your comment of whether it's too personal, I'd say that it's not personal enough. You've got a bunch of details on your life, but not what you think of them.

I was very fascinated with speaking English

It is this kind of personal thinking that you need. There's a bunch of stuff happening TO YOU, your parents supporting you, your friends supporting you...but not enough OF YOU, which is how you've reacted, what did you think of education, how do you view your parents' sacrifices, why were you all of a sudden interested in college.

Things to avoid:

The importance of education has a different meaning to different people.

Sure, different people have differen opinions of education. WHO CARES? This is your essay about you, and the reader wants to know you. Not other people, not your parents, not your friends. YOU. Therefore, I'd suggest that you completely devote the essay to your thoughts and your life. Sure, mention what your parents have done for you, but don't make that the bulk of your paragraph. Frankly, for every sentence you spend on your parents, you need 2 on your reaction and emotions.

Now, there are several ways to go about this prompt. My favorite is anecdotes. The most interesting fashion of answering to college prompts is to tell stories. What happened on the first day of school? What EVENT made you realize the importance of education? Was there 1 day that you saw your parents labor and simply wept because you were touched? Tell fragments of your life that led you to this epiphany.

College essays are supposed to be interesting to read; well written is only the prerequisite. A well written, but dry essay is worth less than nothing. If you really want to go to UT, tell your life story and make it real for the reader. There's no such thing as too personal. If you can make the reader life your life and at the end cry for you, you've gotten into UT.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 7, 2010   #3
My generation was fortunate to have a more organized and qualified educational structure then previous generations.

Excellent, the high quality of this sentence reflects the high quality of your education. You write very well!

...because they know their lives would be different if they were given the same opportunities as I have .

I like this essay... it's very meaningful to reflect on how fortunate you are to have this opportunity.

As a young adolescent I was pushed to succeed where my parents had failed in ways that my parents could not, but at the time I did not fully understand what I really wanted to do with my life.

:-)


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