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My most important accomplishment in terms of past, present, and future self

maggienowlin 2 / 1  
Jan 17, 2016   #1
When I think about who I was as a child, the young man I am today, and the man that I strive to become in the future, it makes me think of the one accomplishment that changed my life then, now, and for the future. Throughout elementary school I was an introvert. Interacting with people was difficult, an annoyance that got in the way of reading and dreaming myself to another place and time. Overcoming "shutting off" from the world has opened up so much more than I could have imagined.

In the 5th grade my parents thought my shyness was a result of being bullied (it wasn't). Their solution was sending me to martial arts classes. I was forced to wear those funny clothes, do weird moves, and make ridiculous sounds. As the classes continued, I felt more comfortable doing all these strange new things. I was given an opportunity to open up around other people and they seemed to be just fine with it. These were the first steps in overcoming my shyness. As the classes continued, and I became even more comfortable "putting myself out there", I forced myself to become more involved with things I would not have thought about doing before.

I eventually joined the debate team, Destination Imagination, and was Dance Student of the Year. I was given the opportunity to share my love of history and teach my 7th grade History class about the War of 1812 and as a sophomore was History Student of the Year.

My greatest accomplishment has been dealing with my introversion. I have allowed myself to enjoy so many things and have made some accomplishments along the way. I now have a black belt in Tukong Martial Arts and I am heading to college. Thanks Mom and Dad.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 17, 2016   #2
I can see how your past accomplishments and present self have made strides towards accomplishing accomplishing important acts during your past and present life. However, you made mention of your future self, but you have not made any indication within the essay as to what you envision that future self accomplishment to be.

I believe that this essay would be more complete if you made reference to the idea that you hope to accomplish in the future. After all, it is implied in the title of your essay. By the way, is this for some college application or is it just for English writing practice? There is a world of difference in the way that I should be reviewing this essay based upon where it will or won't be used. Let me know which it is supposed to be? Thanks.

There does not seem to be any sense in referring to your mom and dad at the end of the statement. This essay is not formed in a letter format and the instructions do not make reference to your parents either (based upon the title you provided), so I can't understand why you would close the essay in that manner. Considering, that you did not include any reference to your future self-accomplishments, which is a far more important part of your response.

Revise the end of the essay to refer to your future self and drop the reference to your mom and dad. Making those ever so slight changes will help this response better reflect the title that you chose for it.

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