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What is Important to you? And Why - Bond with my mother


simonp00 2 / 2 2  
Dec 21, 2020   #1

Tell What's Most Important to You



Throughout times of depression and adversities, my mother has always shown me her unconditional love and support. The bond I have with my mother is what is important to me. When I was eighteen years old, I was living in Edmonton alone. I had suffered a period of major depression and had no friends or family in the city to support me. I had told her that I had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital due to the severity of my depression, and about a couple of days later, to my surprise, she had shown up at the hospital where I had been admitted at. The experience of her encouragement gave me the inclination of adopting a supportive characteristic to the friends around me. Her support and love were key factors for me overcoming my depression and many more tribulations in my life.

I know I need to develop this paragraph more, I would love some feedback and assistance on it. Thank you :)

dane0305 2 / 8  
Dec 22, 2020   #2
@simonp00
"The bond I have with my mother is what is important to me" i think you should rephrase that sentence, it sounds weird to me.

"overcoming my depression and many more tribulations in my life." Because you are talking about something important for you, it would be good to give more short examples of that tribulations of your mother in your life.

As you are talking about your relationship with your mother, i think you should try to give more feelings to your essay.
toodii2102 6 / 12 3  
Dec 23, 2020   #3
"Throughout times of depression ... The bond I have with my mother ..." => These two sentences sitting together seem not to help you develop your ideas much. Remember that each sentence you write must bring value to your essay. There are too many students applying to your dream college so that you need to utilize the space to be apart from other students.

"she had shown up at the hospital where I had been admitted." => I suggest you write more about this story between you and your mother. You should write more about how did your mother help you to overcome depression.

"The experience of her encouragement gave me ... " This sentence seems a little distracted. The previous one you talk about your mom showed up at the psychiatric hospital. The later one you conclude that your mother has tribulated your life a lot. So I think you should not write this unrelated idea in between.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,132 3267  
Dec 23, 2020   #4
This does not respond to the question. Sure the bond with any parent is important to a child. Most specially one as sick as you were at the time. However, that relationship did not progress beyond the hospital. There is no sense of growth as a person both mentally, morally, and socially, that would justify the importance of your parental bond. Instead, this essay proves that you are a weak person who just may not be a qualified candidate for college. The weakness in this essay comes from the same topic that should have been its strength, the parental bond. What this essay says is that you are incapable of adjusting to life and, when at your weakest point, you will not be able to complete your studies and your mommy will have to come fetch you from wherever it is that you are incapable of adjusting. This is not the image that you want to portray with the reviewer.


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