Many thanks ^^ !
Prompt:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Essay:
"She is always in the top rank at school. She is such a dynamic and talent girl. She is one of the best students of mine. I feel happy and comfortable to be in charge of a class having a monitor as her."
I couldn't stand being proud when I heard my grade 9 counselor chatted with her colleagues those words. I was pleased because all my ceaselessly effort in academic as well as in leadership was finally acknowledged. Those days were so wonderful. I felt as if I was in the heaven with a heart full of love and happiness, among my teachers and my dear friends. However, everything has to come to an end. At the end of the school year, all of us had to cope with an extreme-hash entrance examination to continue to grade 10 in another school. I studied day and night, studied harder than a bee to attain my aim, because my teachers and my parents set all their hope on me. I mustn't let them down.
With all my optimism and endeavor, I did win; the dream of mine, of my parent's finally came true. I became a member of Le Hong Phong high school, a school which is categorized as one of the best schools for the gifted in Vietnam. New environment, new classmates, everything was totally great. One new life started hopefully when I was chosen to be the vice-president of my class. I believed the days after would be as wonderful as the past. However, contrary to my expectation, everything tended to go on the wrong way. My classmates came from different areas and provinces. Each student has his own unique character. However, they had one thing in common: they were all talent; they had been the best students in their old school. As a result, I felt as if they were diamonds, precious treasures, really sparkled but unconnected. It was a challenge to unify them. I and the class president had to prepare many things for them to explore each others. One of the most effective ways is playing games at weekends. We used to play different games, such as remembering-names, remembering- birthdays, or being-"blind"-and-drawing-your-friend's-face. My favorite one was guessing our friend's career in the future. To play that game, we commented about the chosen one's characteristics, and then guessed his favorite job. This game brought us plenty of surprise. A girl wanted to be a pilot. A boy loved to be a famous Hollywood director. Another mischievous boy desired to be a Math teacher. This game really helped us be closer and understand each others more.
However, that was not my only problem. As I have stated, my classmates are diamonds. They're extremely excellent. In the first school year, I was shocked because of their intelligent minds. They also had followed a summer course to know all knowledge in advance. I couldn't catch up with them. If you view my transcript, you can see how different between the results of grade 9 and grade 10. Stressful, disappointed! I was sometimes buried in a pool of depression, and even wallowed in Internet, blogging, chatting for a short time to forget the bad reality. Luckily, my family and best friends were always by my side. They helped me recall my dream and my passion in learning. After giving myself a slap on the face, I came back to my desk, continued in studying day and night. Staying up late till midnight, waking up at 4 or 5 am gradually became my habit. I spent all my savings on preference books, spent most of my time in school library so that the librarian remembered my full name and my class among 2 thousands students. Step by step, little by little, I regained my confidence. Although my academic result was not good, I am pleased that I have not ever given up. My mother is right when saying that a learner must be a soldier. I couldn't be the best soldier, but I am proud I have never dropped my weapon.
A hasher entrance examination is waiting for me. I am planning to struggle with
strongest rivalries. Those days in Le Hong Phong were significantly improved my
courage, my faith and self-confidence. I believe I can pass. A good university
is welcoming me. Everything will be more challenge, but the soldier is ready to
strive for her future.
can i have advice on how to start a repor about culture difference(islam) in the media, please please
Sinara, type those words into Google Scholar and read a few papers that other people have written about them. When you come up with something original to write about, compose a draft and post it in a new thread for us to see. Good luck!!
Nguyen, here are my ideas:
...She is such a dynamic and talent girl. She is one of my best students. I feel happy and comfortable to have her as the monitor of the class."
I couldn't help feeling proud when I heard my grade 9 counselor chatting with her colleagues about me . I was pleased because all my ceaseless effort in academics and leadership were finally being acknowledged.
With all my optimism and enthusiasm , I did win; the dream of mine, of my parent's finally came true.
A harsh entrance examination is waiting for me. I am planning to struggle with strong rivalries.
This is a great convincing essay, and you seem like a very serious student!
Thanks a lot , but do you think that it can make the adcom feel bored because it's so serious?
yeah, you make your essay quite serious, really fast! ^^
you could make it slower, couldn't you?
it's pretty hard to breath when I read your essay? ^^ it makes me imagine about your life when you study in Le Hong Phong,
hmm, don't know what to say, your essay would be awesome if U slow it down a little bit
good luck
"I studied day and night, studied harder than a bee to attain my aim, because my teachers and my parents set all their hope on me."
I never heard of the expression "studied harder than a bee."
"I and the class president"
I think usually you would say "The class president and I."
"I felt as if they were diamonds"
Odd expression.
"As I have stated, my classmates are diamonds."
Repetitive.
"They're extremely excellent."
I don't think "extremely" is needed here. Also, excellent in what?
"In the first school year, I was shocked because ofby their intelligent minds."
Intelligence might convey the same meaning as intelligent minds.
"I was sometimes buried in a pool of depression, and even wallowed in Internet, blogging, chatting for a short time to forget the bad reality."
There is nothing wrong with blogging or chatting online. Also you need parallel structures here. For instances, it should be "wallowing, blogging, chatting" or "wallowed, blogged, chatted."
"After giving myself a slap on the face, I came back to my desk, continued in studying day and night. Staying up late till midnight, waking up at 4 or 5 am gradually became my habit."
Just a comment on the style. "I slapped myself" is much more concise and powerful than "After giving myself a slap on the face." Of course you would need to change some other part of the sentence if you are going to adopt my recommendation.
"I spent all my savings on preference books, spent most of my time in school library so that the librarian remembered my full name and my class among 2 thousands students"
Preference book?
"Step by step, little by little, I regained my confidence. Although my academic result was not good, I am pleased that I have not ever given up."
Using both "Step by step" and "little by little" is repetitive.
You need a lot of work on parallelism on this essay.
There is too much telling and explaining in this essay. Try to show instead of tell.
Good luck!
Hi ya, I'm from Vietnam too :D.
The expression "studied harder than a bee." is probably from Vietnamese's mind :D, and I think u should change to another expression.
However, the part
"I felt as if they were diamonds"
Odd expression.
I think odd sometimes means unique, I really like her metaphor here. Keep it.
Linnus have pointed out all the grammatical errors I found :D, and I think preference books should be reference books :D.
p/s: Phuong, why did you post your personal essay on this forum this late, did you posted it on VAbroader or else where b4?
I don't think it it boring at all, as you have a very interesting and engaging writing style.
:)
Wow, thank you very much !! I will correct it right now.
@ kofpower: Oh, this is the first time I post it on the web ! ^^ Are there any matters?
Oh, that's good! We are not allowed to have essays here that are posted on other websites. Thanks!!
i actaully feel this essay engages the reader and grasps his attention
