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The most important to me is the relationship with my friends and family - UBC Personal Profile

victoria_003 3 / 4  
Nov 26, 2018   #1

What is important to you? And why?

The thing that's most important to me is the relationship that I have with my friends and family. When I was younger I had trouble making friends, but no matter how lonely I was I knew that I could always come home to my supportive family. My family has always been supportive of my dreams, they've always driven me to rehearsals, taken me to see shows, and sat in the front row during my performances. As I got older, I started making friends and although some of them have come and gone throughout the years, my best friends and I always managed to stay close. We ended up going to different schools, and over time our lives started to go down different paths due to our individual interests, but no matter what we always made our friendship a priority.

From always going to each others sporting events and performances, to late nights watching movies or helping each other with math homework, the friendship that we've had is something that's extremely important to me. Growing up with such amazing friends and family has taught me the importance of letting the people you care about most know how important they are to you. The relationships I have with my friends and family are the most important thing in my life because they've helped shape me into who I am today, taught me how important it is to follow your passions, and most importantly, how to be someone that others can count on.

Thanks for reading! I would really love some feedback on any and all aspects of this essay. I feel pretty good about how I answered it, as I feel like it represents me and my values well, but there's definitely things I could improve. Thank you so much!

mmahtab10 2 / 4  
Nov 26, 2018   #2
It is a well-written essay and reveals your personality. However, if you could emphasize on making your personal anecdote more descriptive and stand out, it would impress the reader more.
vania 7 / 12 2  
Nov 26, 2018   #3
I think to make a highly competitive essay for scholarship application, you should show ability to overcome or tackle the challenges.
In this case, If you have difficulties in making friends, what did you do? and I think you probably should make it sound professional.

I don't really know whether this essay is for university application, but, if it is, you should sell yourself through the essay.
vtuvawm 2 / 4 1  
Nov 26, 2018   #4
You should try to focus in on a specific event or experience that really captures your strong bond with your family. Also, try to add in a hook at the beginning of your essay to grab the reader's attention right at the start.

Good luck!
smarquez16 3 / 3 2  
Nov 27, 2018   #5
This essay is a good start. I know you have a short word limit but this is something you should begin with, more of a brainstorm. You have this opportunity to describe WHO you are and why you are that way, did you have depression? anxiety? what stopped you from making friends? What makes your friendship different than everyone elses friendships? This sounds very generic like anyone can write it. Defnitely go into more detail about your life.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,107 3258  
Nov 27, 2018   #6
Victoria, I think that the slant of your essay should not be on the "relationship I have with family and friends". That sounds so -- ordinary. It doesn't catch the attention of the reviewer. Go for some dramatic flair. You could say that what you consider important is the "creation of lifelong bonds both with my friends and family". While the family relationship you depict here is typical, it doesn't make your bond as a family stand out. Think of something that makes your family extra special to you and use that to highlight the "family bond" that you are working hard to create because you know that when you go off to college, that bond could weaken or disappear totally because of the major change in your life.

As for your friends, the story you depict is normal for all growing, evolving, and changing friendships. You need a stand out moment that shows what this bond is important to you. Unlike the family bond that is forever, why do you think that keeping your bond with friends is important? That is more important than the common explanation that you give for it in the current essay.

I apologize for not telling you that this essay is impressive because you did put hard work into the development of the content. The thing is, I am looking at your essay with the critical eye of a reviewer. If I find it ordinary, you can bet the reviewer will find this boring and too common to make you a noticeable applicant. So I am trying to help you avoid that.

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