This is the prompt and it has to be between 300-500 words. Someone who is very familiar with the military is greatly appreciated to review this! thanks!
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
When I first visited the Naval Academy with a friend, I was very impressed with what I saw. Her father is an alumnus who shared his experiences while we toured the campus and explored downtown Annapolis. This experience sparked my interest to find out more and eventually led me to apply to STEM camp. I met many people at camp with whom I shared a passion for self-improvement, and I was able to learn first-hand what academy life was like. Later, I was invited to attend Candidate Visitors Weekend, where I expanded my perspective by talking with faculty, attending classes, and experiencing dormitory life. Finally, I was fortunate to attend NASS, and although I thought I knew much about academy life, NASS provided me deeper insights and further reinforced my twin dreams of becoming a naval officer and naval aviator. I also gained more confidence that I will be able to succeed in the rigorous environment while benefitting from both its high-ranking engineering program and invaluable leadership challenges.
In addition to my personal experiences at the Naval Academy, my father, who spent 28 years in uniform, showed me the importance of serving our country. I also learned about making sacrifices from my mother when my father was deployed. The most difficult deployment for my family of eight was when he went to Korea for a year, during which I faced several academic, social, and spiritual challenges. I learned valuable life lessons while improving my leadership skills and integrity. I encountered academic obstacles, such as transitioning from middle to high school while keeping up my grades and competing in sports. In addition, I struggled with balancing my extracurricular activities with maintaining friendships and seeking a substitute mentor in place of my deployed father. However, I began to neglect my spiritual life and to lose interest in church, but fortunately, I began to attend a church youth group, at which I experienced a transformation on how I viewed my life. From the first meeting, my youth pastor displayed a tremendous amount of encouragement and commitment, which greatly impressed me, and in a short time, I learned the importance of having a strong moral character and leading others in an ethical manner. Most importantly, I strengthened my relationship with God, and as a result of my transformation, I further developed resiliency and refocused my energy towards my top priorities of maintaining my good grades ethically, improving my performance in sports, and bonding with my family and friends. Before I knew it, I became a positive role model for my younger siblings, who benefited emotionally and spiritually, and I began to realize that I was a lot braver and stronger than I had previously thought and was becoming a more capable leader. These traits, which I developed during a difficult deployment, will allow me to cope with many future situations, but especially the leadership and ethical challenges I will face at the Naval Academy.
Hi Hughes, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I think it was already well-written indeed. You have already answered the prompt appropriately. The flow of ideas was also well-developed. I like the way you link your ideas by using proper cohesive devices. Yet, there is no perfect essay after-all. There are still some rooms for improvements. I would like to mention some of them in the descriptions below:
- I reckon that the first thing that you can do to strengthen your essay is by separating your paragraphs. It was quite bulky for just an answer. Even though the first prompt was only 1 sentence, it actually has two major questions that you should answer. The first one was "Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service" and the second question is "how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals?" . You accidentally answered the first question in 5 sentences long, but you only answered the second question in just 2 sentences. These two sentences were inadequately covered all the necessary points and make your essay became imbalance. I think that it is better to make it equal or perhaps the first question's answer should be shorter than the second one because the second question is the most important part that you should develop further.
- The next thing that you need to do is by doing the same thing as the previous suggestion. Yet, the difference is that the second prompt was only has 1 major question. However, 1 major question doesn't mean that you have to answer it by writing only a paragraph but you need to also develop your paragraph become at least two paragraphs rather than making a too bulky paragraph. It affects the organization of your essay itself.
Overall, I believe that it is not really difficult for you to revise this essay since you have a good grammatical control. I hope this helpful. Do let me know if you need further assistance. Good luck! :)
Hi Anne, upon reading your essay, all I can say is WOW!
For a lady to dream of becoming a Naval Officer, that's a huge challenge and it's very courageous of you ta take on that challenge. I have known only a few lady Naval officers and they have nothing but heart warming stories of heroism, putting their lives first to the serve the nation and be able to protect its inhabitants. It's just WOW!
As I read along, I also find it really great that you look up to Him, the God above, who is the reason of our existence, believe me, I have written and read as well as spoke to a lot of people in this lifetime and not a lot of them talk about Him out loud, let alone share their feeling and praises for Him, I for one don't go to church religiously, but I know in my heart and in my mind that He is the reason why I live the life I have now and I will continue living for Him and with Him. He is all we have, in good times and bad, He never leave us.
As you face this challenge, I know He will be there to support and guide, be true to your intentions and He will always be by our side. Going back to your essay, it speaks a lot about you, your goal to serve the country and become like your father, the learnings you got from him and from your own experience is very evident in this essay. Having said that, I believe the essay is written and managed very well, the progress of the ideas and the logic of the events are properly shaped and presented. I wish you the best of luck and with His blessings and guidance, you will definitely be where you want to be. See you soon Lady Officer!
