Please help me with the evaluation of following essay:
Q. Please provide additional information, that will significantly affect the consideration of your application to the ISB. (300 words max)
A.
I strongly believe, person's values define his deeds and consequently shape his whole personality. These values even guide him towards right and ethical decisions when he is in immense pressure in his professional and/or personal life. I consider myself an ever optimist, who is driven by his deep rooted values. Two things moved me the most since childhood - mother nature and education for all.
I still have vivid memories of watering plants every morning as a little child that developed a strong bondage with the beautiful life in flora and fauna around us. My continuous efforts to be close to environment resulted in regular trekking trips, adventurous journey to the 'Corbett National Park' and donating funds to various NGO's working for environment. I also got registered to 'Greenpeace India' that helped me be up-to-date with the latest on environment around us. But for an enthusiast like I am, all these activities were at best a passive participation. Finally in Dec 2009, I broke shackles of my ever demanding professional and personal commitments and joined newly found 'TCS Maitree - Ecology Club' as a volunteer. Teaming up with small but driven group of like minded nature enthusiasts, I found the 'way of living' for me. We took several initiatives such as 'Juhu Beach Cleanup after Ganpati Visarjan', cleanup activities in Sanjay Gandhi National Park on 'Earth Day - 24th April', and Ghatkopar Railway Station cleanup program on 'World Environment Day'. In addition to this, we also took regular sessions with school children and their teachers to spread awareness about environment and potential threats to it, at the grass root levels. Now that the group is evolving ever so fast, I took up leadership roles to guide budding volunteers across there activities. Working for the environment lets me live my values and beliefs, that provide me immense satisfaction as an individual.
Another thing, that I was passionate about since long, was to open schools in small towns of India for children from poor financial backgrounds. My idea was a bit different from the usual charitable free education institutes. I wanted to setup a process within schools that ensures children not only learn the theory of academics but also appreciate practical skills of an entrepreneur. These champions of their own destiny, when they grow up, will ensure a sustained growth for their community and hence the nation. unable to realize this dream because of my full time professional commitments, I spoke to my sister regarding this idea. She took it with both hands we agreed to start the school in Gangapur City (Rajasthan), a small town where she lives. Finally at the start of this academic year 'First Step' - a primary school, fulfilled my dream with 70 students. Despite of my limited availability, I could contribute towards the concept, planning, finance and people convincing aspects. As of now this school is offering quality education with half the regular fee. I have engaged a few local NGO's to provide remaining financial help in exchange to school working for their causes related to environment, education and social awareness etc.
Hello! The following are some suggestions for revisions that you are free to use or not use. Also aside from my revisions, I think it might be a good idea if you read your essay out loud to yourself because I feel like your essay is missing flow between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.
a. I strongly believe, a person's values define his deeds and consequently shape his whole personality.
b. I also got registered to 'Greenpeace India' thatwhichhelped me be up-to-datekept me updated with the latest on environment around us.
c. Finally in Dec 2009, I broke the shackles of my ever demanding professional and personal commitments and joined newly found 'TCS Maitree - Ecology Club' as a volunteer.
d. In addition to this , we also took regular sessions
- the "also" and "in addition" are redundant, just pick one or the other
I hope that helps!
-Trisha
PS: Also I would love to recieve some critique on the following supplement if you have some time.
essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bri ng-person-special-place-18233/
I don't want you to lose any of the content. It is all quite meaningful. The trick is to write it again with sentences that are more efficient. For example:
I still have vivid memories of watering plants every morning as a little child that developed a strong bondage with the beautiful life in flora and fauna around us.
I have memories of watering plants as a child, a chore that instilled appreciation for the flora and fauna around us.
Another thing, that I was passionate about since long, was to open schools in small towns of India for children from poor financial backgrounds.
Another thing, that I was also passionate about my vision of opening schools in small towns of India for children from poor families.
Try to rewrite every sentence!!
