Here is the prompt: Word limit is 250 words. I'm slightly over but don't think it will be too much of a problem.
A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?:
My answer: " Ball-i, Ball-i!", shouted Krishna, one of the fielders, as the other boys clapped and cheered. The baller looked me square in the eye, and started his approach. He bounded towards the pitch, windmilled his arm, and releases a loud grunt as the rubber ball left his fingertips. The ball was fast. Much faster than I expected. Before reaching me, it took a sharp dive and bounced once before coming into my batting range. I swung for glory, honor, and a six pointer but heard a loud thwack immediately after swinging my bat. The fielders erupted into laughter. Slightly confused, I turned around to see what had caused the sharp sound, and quite probably, the laughter. The three sticks that were once standing were now lying on the on the dusty ground of the pitch. I had knocked the wicket over with my own bat. My first attempt to play cricket was a total failure, and didn't do much to alleviate the Sinhalese boy's suspicions that I was just a bumbling American.
While the first day was a definite failure, over the course of the month that I spent working and playing with the children in this juvenile detention center in Sri Lanka, I improved my cricket game, and came to enjoy the sport. While I have not been able to play cricket in my small, rural hometown, I am excited to know that Johns Hopkins University has a cricket club, and I plan to fill the breaks I have from classwork and studying by hitting six pointers and knocking over wickets (hopefully not my own).
The three sticks that were once standing were now lying on the on the dusty ground of the pitch.
I think that you may have overlooked the repetition of this :]
and didn't do much to alleviate the Sinhalese boy's suspicions
I'm not sure if "alleviate" is the right word for this; it has more of a benevolent connotation. It would probably be used better if he was your friend who wanted you to do better. A better word for this might be something on the lines of "disprove".
Other than that, I think that this was a great essay; it really showed your passion for cricket. You may want to add one or two more sentences about playing cricket at JHU because most of your essay is about the experience.
Good luck!
"what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins"
They're not looking for one. And honestly... if the only thing you say you want to participate in at JHU is cricket, then your chance of getting admitted is very slim. You must talk about JHU's activities, extracurriculars, programs, clubs, etc.
I swung for glory, honor, and a six pointer but heard a loud thwack immediately after swinging my bat.
When I get to this point in the essay, I am feeling really impressed that you were able to maintain the intensity and power for so many sentences in a row. This is great stuff, but I can only appreciate that because I am a writer, like you. Non-guitarists often cannot appreciate Possessed by Paul James, and non-writers may not be able to appreciate this. I am tempted to suggest giving a paragraph about other activities, especially ones that reinforce your message that you are serious about particular goals, but this writing is so good... I hesitate to recommend any change.
