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Essay : an incident or set of incidents in your life that had the most profound influence on you !


the_batfan 1 / -  
Mar 12, 2015   #1
Help needed !!!
Gotta submit an essay on the aforementioned subject for a B-school application.This is what I came up with and need some help with the language - improvements in grammar,content etc. and also in keeping it concise and crisp,since its about 450 words long and the limit is 300 words max.

Essay :

As a child, life was great for me. I spent my days being a hyperactive boy, running around and causing general chaos in my vicinity. The world I lived in was a stress free world, I had not had many difficult experiences growing up. Life was beautiful for me, until a tragedy struck my family.

It was my father who had a stroke and was rendered paralyzed, unable to move or speak. There was no one at home except me I was the only one home, and the nearest hospital was two hours away. With some help from his colleagues, we got arrived to the hospital but the journey took something away from me. I was no longer a child lost in his my own happy world. I was praying when it dawned upon me that life could be so unpredictable and the future so uncertain. It appeared very futile to pray then, and thus I stopped praying, forever.

It was a different My world became different after this incident. With an elder brother studying abroad, and my father's being in fragile health, the onus of running the household fell on my mother's shoulders, who being a teacher, could only manage so much with the limited time she had. Thus I had to manage studies and chores, doing my bit to help her out. I did not have as I no longer had much free time as other kids of the same age.

...
andi_83 - / 9 5  
Mar 12, 2015   #2
Hello , I tried to modify your essay in order to fit with the limit of 300 words. I removed the sentences without changing the overall structure and meaning of the essay. Hope I helped you!

Essay :
The world I lived in was a stress free world. Life was beautiful for me, until a tragedy struck my family.
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 12, 2015   #3
It wasM y father who had had a stroke and was rendered paralyzed, unable to move or speak .
EF_Jasmine - / 68 39  
Mar 12, 2015   #4
Wow! What a touching essay! I enjoyed the read. I took out some smaller words to help you shorten without loosing the passion and thoughtfulness of it. What helps in shortening essays is taking out the smaller words, and replace those few small words with a synonym or longer/larger word. This keeps the value and thought of the essay good but still giving your message to the reader. ( It takes practice though) Good luck!
rochellew18 1 / 2 1  
Mar 13, 2015   #5
With some help from his colleagues, [When] we got to the hospital which was two hours away, butThe journey to the hospital took something away from me .

This resulted in majorThebehavioralmajorlifestyle ] changes in me as I turned me into an introvert and found my inner self. As I reflected on my inner self, I developed interest in philosophy and ...

This is a good essay, but I'm not sure about the closing line. Use the quote and then tie it back to your life. Don't let the quote be your last sentence. Otherwise, good job!


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