Ok, here I go. I'm not from America, I'm from Holland, so I don't really know how to do this. I hope you guys can help me out. I already have a subject that ''changed my life'', but I don't know if my essay/subject is strong/good enough. Essay has to be between 250-500 words. I know my ending is not good, but I'm on it. If you have any suggestions, post it please. Please be harsh if it is necessary, also for my use of English. Thanks a lot!
The number of store robberies in the Netherlands is, unfortunately, increasing. Only in 2009 there were already about 700 stores victim of these robberies. One of those stores was the Gamestore E-Plaza in Houten, where I was working at Friday March 13th when such an incident happened. Misfortune? Maybe. But one thing that is certain is that this evening turned my life upside down. While the whole robbery took less than one minute, it felt like taking hours.
Around half past eight p.m., a armed man entered my store, threatening me. Many people would freak out, but I stayed calm, kept thinking and did not panic. I did as the man told me to do, giving him the money in a bag and in a few seconds he was already gone. It was that moment I realized what had just happened. Then I could call 911.
Typical for my personality is that I stayed calm. The pressure was high, but I kept making well considered decisions. Although my body turned to autopilot, my head stayed clear, helping me to get through this terrifying situation. Almost immediately after the incident, I could function normal again: I kept doing things I liked, like making music, drawing and sports.
The moment the man half a year later got caught, was the moment the misery began for me. All kinds of conversations with judges and helpers remembered me of what had happened, and that annoyed me. I did not want to be remembered of this. The trial was another half a year later, and the man had to go behind bars for about 3 years. Finally, I could close this chapter of my life.
This event had a big impact on me.
Only in 2009 there were already about 700 stores victim to these robberies.
^This is a bit awkward -- I suggest: "By 2009 there were" or "The year was only 2009 and there were"
One of those stores was the Gamestore E-Plaza in Houten, where I was working at Friday March 13th when such an incident happened .
^The format is messy; it works but you sound like you're in elementary school. In think you should split this into two shorter sentences.
Misfortune? Maybe. But the one thing that is certain is that this evening turned my life upside down. While the whole robbery took less than one minute, it felt like taking hours .
^Doesn't make sense the way you've written it. "it felt like hours" or "it felt like it took hours" are more appropriate.
At around half past eight p.m. , an armed man entered my store, threatening me. Many people would freak out, but I stayed calm, kept thinking and did not panic. I did as the man told me to do , giving him the money in a bag and in a few seconds he was already gone. It was that moment I realized what had just happened. Then I could call 911.
^in the previous sentence you described many moments, you should specify which moment you are talking about.
I don't want to correct the rest because I think you should rewrite it. Right now you seem like a Merusault type in that you don't care about what most people would find important. The formalities of catching a criminal - something most people should find satisfying or justified - is a pain. At least, this is how I read it, and I think how most people would understand it. I'm 99% sure that this is image is not what an admissions officer looks for in a prospective student.
Use your level headed thinking to show yourself in a more positive light.
