"to be independent of my parents" - U.C. Berkeley Essay

Hello this is my U.C. Berkeley essay and I am looking for any suggestions on how to improve or strengthen my essay. I am willing to look over or suggests any ideas to people who read over my essay.

Growing up in a home filled with gaps and barriers, I adjusted and learned how to be independent of my parents at a very early age. My parents never paid attention to me since they were preoccupied with work or were always too busy quarrelling.

My father died when I was a baby leaving my mom alone. Burdened by many financial payments, my mother quickly remarried to lighten the burden. She quickly learned that my father was more of a burden than the financial payments. As I grew up, I began to notice the issues within my family. My environment began to shape who I was and how I acted. Feeling no love or security, I became very reserved and bitter towards the world. I would always complain about the morbid circumstances I was surrounded grew up in.

When I reached eighth grade, my life changed drastically when I met Phill Pae. I was at the library studying for SAT's when he randomly approached me and asked "why are you so angry for." I tried to ignore him but he caught my attention when he said "I understand how you feel but you can't be angry with your life." Intrigued by his statement, I began to talk to him and learning more about his life. I was shocked when I learned he grew up to similar circumstances as I did. As he explained that his mother left him, his brother, and father at a very age, I noticed that he had pain and sorrow yet he was so cheerful. He said "life is unfair but it doesn't really matter because we have others to pick us up". I spent time with him everyday as I studied with him at the library and slept over his house allowing me to get a chance to get to know him better. Phill became one of my closest friends. Becoming less bitter, I actually understood what it meant to feel comfort and security for once in my life.

On March 28th in 2010, I received a phone call explaining that Phill had died in a car accident. When I first heard the news, I didn't know how to react and felt very lost. Throughout the night, I thought about what I heard as it resounded in my head. As I walked into my math class the next day, my teacher handed me a math test that I had missed the previous day. As I asked him if I could take it another day explaining how I was still not feeling up to taking the test, he told me that I had to take it. I was so angry that I shouted "how could he not show me any sympathy." He responded saying "I am truly sorry for your loss but I am not one of those people who will say it will be okay because I know it won't change the fact of what happened...life will bring tribulations and obstacles but you need to learn how to overcome them." At first, I was so angry that I didn't really listen to him but I realized later what he said was similar to what Phill had said to me that day at the library. It made me realize that life is cruel and will try to knock me down but I can't just give up.

I reveal this portion in my life not to find my sympathy or pity but to show who I truly am. Life has shaped me in many different ways and is still shaping who I am today. I was a very self-centered person who only cared about myself instead of others. I still can not explain why these circumstances have occurred in my life but I know that through these tribulations that it has shaped me into a strong and independent person. It has also revealed how ignorant and prideful I am which allows me to learn from my mistakes and change. Even through the most difficult times, I have found a way to overcome them and to look forward. My dream is to become a very successful engineer in life but I want to ensure that I keep my pride and ignorance in check. I hope that I will never give up and will strive to become the best person I can be who is open and aware to all aspects of life

It is a very well written essay, but I think you should focus a bit more on how you changed, rather than just telling a story when you were angry.

What does this mean? I think you should add a sentence to explain what you mean by gaps and barriers. Also, add a sentence at the end of that first paragraph, because the end of the first paragraph is your opportunity to express a MESSAGE that the reader will remember and associate with you.

What are you so angry for?
or
Why are you so angry?
but not
Why are you so angry for?

and asked "W hy are you so angry for ."

Capitalize:
He said "Li fe is unfair but it doesn't really matter because we have others to pick us up".

When you use dialogue, include a comma, and capitalize the first word of the dialogue:
I was so angry that I shouted, "Ho w could he not show me any sympathy? " He responded saying, "I am truly sorry for your loss but I am not one of those people who will say it will be okay because I know it won't ...

I reveal this portion in my life not to find my sympathy or pity but to show who I truly am. ---perfect.You succeeded in creating a meaningful essay that will benefit a lot of people.

Put these 2 words together: I still cannot explain why these circumstances...

Brilliant... I think everyone who gets to know you will benefit because of the wisdom you have... or you, I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

:-)