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'India Day Parade in America' - Brown supplement


Jaineel406 5 / 13  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.

Every person has there own identity, a group they classify with and for me it's being Indian. Born and raised in India I always tried to keep my roots intact when I came to America. My biggest concern was fitting in which I did quite fine but there would always be these racist jokes which was just pure ignorance. One day I decided that I wanted to make a difference because to me enough was enough. As a result I joined Federation of Indian Association and became youth president chair which would spread our culture throughout America. Every year we hold an India Day Parade in NYC that has over 500,000 guests in which we demonstrate the various aspects our culture is structured upon. In addition to center my impact around the community I joined the Indian Cultural Society in which I received an award from the mayor spreading diversity and culture throughout our community. These experiences structured my mindset around the principle that it is possible for one person to make a difference.

Tell us where you have lived-and for how long-since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places.

Until the age of 4 I was raised by my grandparents in India since my parents couldn't afford to bring me to America. My parents worked hard and were able to get me here only to be switching through apartments every year. Through hard work my parents created residential stability and bought a house.

How did you find out about Brown? For example, from a person, publication, campus visit, etc.?
While taking SAT classes my teacher told me that she went to Brown. Valeria conveyed how alluring the campus was and her description about the variety, that corresponded wonderfully with my natural inclination and love for intellectual width and freedom of class selection, quickly drew me to Brown.
Mango17 - / 15  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
These are very short responses! I guessing they only wanted the responses to be a few sentences long.

How did you find out about Brown? For example, from a person, publication, campus visit, etc.?
While taking SAT classes my teacher told me that she went to Brown. Valeria(WHO?)(I would continue with saying.. My teacher..) conveyed (an image of) how alluring the campus (I WOULDN'T TAKE ABOUT THE CAMPUS BEAUTY!) was and her description about the variety (I don't know what you're referring to as "the variety") that corresponded wonderfully with my natural inclination and love for intellectual width and freedom of class selection, quickly drew me to Brown.

While enrolled in an SAT class my teacher informed me that she attended Brown University. My teacher conveyed an image of the immense diversity of the student body and of the vast array of opportunities that would be provided to me at Brown. Her description about the variety, that corresponded wonderfully with my natural inclination and love for intellectual width, and about the freedom of class selection, quickly drew me to Brown.

I tried to make it sound a bit more professional.

The other two sound pretty good to me! Best of luck!
OP Jaineel406 5 / 13  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
This is exactly 300 words but... My teacher informed me she attended Brown and conveyed an image of the immense diversity of the student body and of the vast array of opportunities at Brown. Her description, corresponded with my inclination and love for intellectual width, and about the freedom of class selection, drew me to Brown.

the ending doesn't sound good
Mango17 - / 15  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
Wow that is a difficult limit! I think you should keep the part about her being an SAT teacher because that is a specific part of the question. They want to know who, and just saying "a teacher" is too vague. Here is my revision:

While enrolled in an SAT class my teacher informed me that she attended Brown University. She conveyed an image of the immense diversity of the student body and of the vast array of opportunities available to undergraduate students, which quickly drew me to Brown.

It is only 264 characters so maybe you can play around with it but I think is it short and sweet.
calvinwang 3 / 32  
Dec 30, 2011   #5
Every person hasthere own identity, a group they classify with,and for me it's being Indian

Think you meant "their" instead of "there." However "person," "has," and "me" is singular while "their" and "they" are pural. Make sure your pronoun+verbs match!

My biggest concern was fitting in which I did quite fine but there would always be these racist jokes which was just pure ignorance.

this sentence is arkward and has grammar mistakes. try "Despite my concerns, I adapted just fine. However, ignorant racist jokes still bothered(mayb you can find a more fitting verb) me.

As a result, I joined Federation of Indian Association and became youth president chair which would spread our culture throughout America.

Remember to use commas.

In addition to center my impact around the community I joined the Indian Cultural Society in which I received an award from the mayor spreading diversity and culture throughout our community.

plz reread this. think your missing a few commas which stopped me from understanding this sentence.

Until the age of four, I was raised by my grandparents in India since my parents couldn't afford to bring me to America.

Theres a general rule that if a number can be written with less than three words, you would just write the words. It makes it more formal.

Mango's vision is really good so i dont think i can attempt and beat her's. but wow brown university is evil for forcing a 300 character limit!

anyways overall, i liked your topic. it shows you have diversity and leadership abilities. However, do grammar checks to make your essays more smooth.

also if you could read my GWU essays id really appreciate it!


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