Essay
I am from India, but I lived in America for five years. The characteristic that describe me the best is caring, loveable, social, and nice. I like to make new friends and hang out with friends and family. I feel like, I am very lovable person because I care for other people, and my family and everybody who care about me. I love to talk to my teachers and my friends and make them laugh. I just feel that when somebody is sad or need someone to talk to then you should talk to your best friends or someone who you like or trust to talk. I like to share my problems with my teachers and my friends. I want to major in Business. I want to be business women in future because I like to help people. I believe that while one may go to school to learn, that this is not the only place to learn. One's educational experience may greatly be enriched by outdoor fieldwork and hand-on exposure. This is what I would like to do. A good college eduacation is my primary goal at this time in my life. I would like to build a good future for myself and to make my mark in our society by helping others. Getting a good education is very difficult when one does no thave the funds to succeed. I like to participate in school activities. I am a Member of Future Business Leaders of America, Member of Asian Club. I like to play Volleyball, Tennis, and Badminton, and I also like to read, write, and working on computer.
This essay lacks focus. You start off talking about how important your friends are to you, move on to your wanting to major in business, then talk about why you want a good education. The three ideas are sort of connected (you say you want to be a business woman to help people, and go to school to get the education to do that) but the connections are too loose for your writing to be effective. Put another way, you don't have a clear thesis. Decide which of these three ideas is most important to your essay, then relate all of the other ideas back to that. So, you might decide that the most important point is that you want to be a business woman to help others. You might then start off with "I want to attend XYZ university in order to become a business woman who can help others." Then, depending upon the wording of the prompt, you would go on to talk in detail about how attending XYZ would allow you to become a business women OR how being a business woman would allow you to help others, OR how your desire to help others led you to want to become a business woman. Whichever approach you choose will dictate how much (or how little) detail for each of the three ideas you include.
Right on! Needs another draft...
This is a good first draft. Now you have to separate it into powerful paragraphs. Also, here are some corrections:
I want to be business women in the future, because I like to help people. I believe that, while one may go to school to learn, this is not the only place to learn. One's educational experience may greatly be enriched by outdoor fieldwork and hand-on exposure. This is what I would like to do. A good college education is my primary goal at this time in my life.
