Could anyone give me feedback on these two essays? Brutal honesty is appreciated.
Prompt:
In an increasingly global and interdependent society, there is a need for diversity in thought, talent, and experiences in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. How do you see yourself contributing to the diversity of Caltech's community? (150 words max)
Response:
As an Indian-American, I straddle the divide between two cultures. With one foot in the foothills of Appalachia and the other in the foothills of the Western Ghats, I flit between English and Malayalam, between fast-food and idly-sambaar, between my present and my family's past. My dual heritage informs and inspires me. I'm proud to call myself a hyphenated American.
More importantly, I believe I possess a rare combination of skills and experiences that will enable me to contribute uniquely to Caltech. I have strong technical writing and presentation skills; for example, as part of the Student Launch Initiative, I wrote design documentation and presented it to NASA engineers. Having held leadership positions in Key Club, my temple's youth group, and within my school, I know I'm an effective leader and a clear communicator. Furthermore, as a student researcher, I've honed both my scientific knowledge and time-management and collaboration skills.
Prompt:
Scientific exploration clearly excites you (otherwise you wouldn't be applying to Caltech). What is it about Caltech's opportunities and resources that will best fuel your intellectual curiosity and develop your passion for science, technology, math or engineering? (500 words max)
Response:
Dr. K[name removed], my AP [removed] teacher, was unlike any teacher I'd ever had. He demanded excellence from each of his students, and somehow, he got it out of us. I was used to acing my classes, but at the beginning of junior year, I'd count myself lucky if I got a 65 on his tests. Dr. K thought the AP curriculum was too lenient, and substituted his own. He regularly led us into challenging problems, and left us there to find our own ways out. No other class I've taken - not a molecular biology course at NC State University, or college-level organic chemistry, or multivariable calculus - came close to the rigor of his class. He had a simple motto: "Who cares if it's on the test? Learn it anyway!" Dr. K's message was simple and clear: pursue excellence in everything you study.
Dr. K's class broke through my preconceptions of smart or capable I was, and forced me to work harder than I have for any class before. Over the course of the year, his strict regimen of problem solving taught me to systematically tackle any problem and gave me the confidence to face problems I'd never seen before. Though I'd been interested in physics ever since I played with LEGO bots and Arduinos as a kid, this class brought me a deeper appreciation for the beauty and applicability of physics. In senior year, inspired by my class with Dr. K, I took a course in Modern Physics first trimester and then organized an independent study seminar in modern physics topics second trimester.
Dr. K's class had a deep impact on me; however, I doubt Dr. K's drill-sergeant methods would have been successful if this class hadn't been at a STEM-focused school with dedicated students and accomplished faculty. At my school, an atmosphere of trust permeates the teacher-student relationship; teachers give exams un-proctored and assign challenging problems with the implied expectation that we won't just Google the solutions. Students work together, both in class and in study groups. Life-changing classes like this one can only happen at an institution dedicated to pursuing the highest quality of education. To me, Caltech embodies a commitment to excellence in an environment of trust and collaboration. Caltech is the sole university where all students are consistently held to exacting standards in all their academic pursuits.
Moreover, I know the difference a school's faculty can make; without teachers dedicated to student success, I wouldn't have been able to pursue my interests in physics, or in research. Nor could our rocketry team, which meets in the school's basement. Caltech encourages its students to pursue their love of STEM topics more than any other university. Its opportunities for undergraduate research are unparalleled - a testament to the quality of its education.
I think I could easily emerge, unscathed and untested, from an easy four years at an average university. That's not what I want. I want a Caltech education: one that will challenge and transform me.
Being brutally honest? You're too honest.
"Caltech is the sole university where all students are consistently held to exacting standards in all their academic pursuits" and "I think I could easily emerge, unscathed and untested, from an easy four years at an average university." seem arrogant and may be considered as pandering by the faculty of Caltech not all of whom are entirely from Caltech. There are other premier institutions in the country and the reader may just wonder if you haven't written the same for all the universities you're applying to. You may be appreciated by a reader of your thinking, one respecting complete frankness, but you run the risk of most others considering you brash and outspoken.
A better approach would be to be respectful to all universities (even those you consider 'average') while expressing that you believe Caltech to be the best. Also, while it may be too mainstream, any reference to courses or faculty specific to Caltech will improve your essay. Simple litmus test? Change all the occurrances of 'Caltech' to another university and see if your essay makes sense. If if does completely, you're too generic.
Oh and hey from another Malayali trying to make it to Caltech! Take a look at my essay, I welcome any suggestions you might have.
