Hey, I'm writing my statement of purpose essay for UT since I'm looking to transfer there. I was wondering what you all thought of my essay
Statement of Purpose
As an Indian senior at a very competitive all-white high school, college was a very intimidating experience to think about. Was I ready? Could I handle the arduous classes to come? Am I equipped to take the educational path that will determine the rest of my existence? The ends of my days at Highland Park High School were coming, and I confess I don't think I was ready. I didn't want to just pack up and leave my family. Still, I knew no matter what I would have to embark on this vital journey very soon.
I applied to the colleges that I thought would fit me best academically, and as a result, I felt the University of Texas at Austin was my best match. UT Austin was a choice that was not very far from my family in Dallas, which relieved my mind. Nevertheless, the thought of being a new face in an unfamiliar city and not knowing a single person was daunting to put it mildly. Therefore, I made the decision that I would choose a college that was in the same state as my home and made the University of Texas my first choice.
Unfortunately, that was not how it turned out to be. Shortly after, I received a letter in the mail, which was not anything close to an acceptance letter from UT Austin, but rather a letter of denial. At first the news was devastating, I was asked, through the CAP program, to go to another school before going to UT Austin. Subsequently, I decided to go to Austin Community College where I could be closer to UT. I recognized that at ACC I could experience and familiarize myself to everything in college before ultimately transferring to UT the following year.
For the last semester I have been taking classes at Austin Community College, which has without doubt been an enlightening encounter. After spending some time in Austin, I have begun to highly appreciate it and look forward to spending more time here. At ACC I've got a chance to meet other students who are also transferring to UT Austin in the near future. Through much thought and study, I have learned about all the different majors that would be offered to me when I succeed to UT. Furthermore, most of my attention and curiosity has been concentrated on the McCombs School of Business. I have always been very fond of business, and it is something that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations. I found that the reputation, aggressive admission guidelines and challenging level of academics in McCombs are exactly what I am looking for.
Since being here at Austin Community College, I have reached a position in my life where I am ready to take my education to the next step, and I feel that McCombs is where I can reach that level.
"As an Indian senior at a very competitive all-white high school" ..this statement seems pretty irrelevant to the rest of the essay.
The field of business has always piqued my interest and is the field that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations. My rationale for applying to Mccombs is based on its reputation , aggressive admission guidelines and challenging level of academics.
hope this helps. please edit my essays!
That whole first paragraph is all extra stuff. It describes the situation of hundreds of applicants. I think it should be cut, and you should dive right into stating your purpose, your plan.
choose a college that was in the same state as my home and made the University of Texas my first choice.
This part is unnecessary. As I get to the half way point, I am thinking you still have not stated a purpose.
I have always been very fond of business, and it is something that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations.
Here is the part where you start talking about your purpose. I think you should rewrite the essay with a focus on this kind of thinking, and include your philosophy of business and your aspirations for the future. describe a plan that includes specific goals involving specific people and places, and especially the resources provided through this school
Sorry to be so critical! Make this more substantial.