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The Indian society, help with prompt #1....

datanator 2 / 2  
Nov 21, 2008   #1
This is for the prompt #1 in the UC application...It is about describing the world you come from.

Here is my essay:

In the summer of 2007, I visited India to tour around my birthplace and visit my family. I was thrilled to meet all my relatives and visit my old school. I visited all my old teachers and classrooms, nostalgic about my life before coming to the United States. I had a chance to talk to all my old teachers and friends. They shared their experiences about the changes in Indian schools and education. Visiting my past gave me an opportunity to reflect on the influence that education in India had on me. I now realize that the Indian education system has greatly impacted my decisions and opinions, giving me the essential tools to succeed in life.

Education in my early life established a pathway which I could walk for the rest of my life. In India, education is considered as one of most important things provided to a person. It costs several thousand rupees to send one child to school. Without money, to go to school, children would have to accompany their parents to work and would have an extremely difficult time even to go to college. The education system itself is very demanding of the student. Children spend most of their time completing homework or studying for a test. When my relatives call, they ask "How are your studies going?" to make sure that I am keeping education my top priority. This kind of rigorous education molds a person to be hard-working, organized, and competitive. This education system in India implanted in me the tools to grow in the United States.

Comparing the education systems in the US and in India, I see that the United States has more opportunities in higher education. Here, students can take advantage of numerous scholarships and opportunities offered in college. The lack of these supplies for many prospective students in India influences me to make education my top priority. Being a multicultural student, I have become even more motivated to make an impact on society because of having a wider exposure to challenged peers and my own experiences in India.

The Indian society which I came from has greatly impacted me. Its education system has given me skills that I can use for the rest of my life. I have been given resources that many people in India do not have access to, which has encouraged me to use these resources to its full potential. With the knowledge I will gain from the University of California, I someday hope to return and help the world which has given me the greatest luxury of all, education.

I believe that the problem with this is that I describe the world i came from but there is not too many about me...I need help fixing that. If you guys have any other suggestion, please do not hesitate to say it.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 21, 2008   #2
I believe part of this prompt is to explain how this world has molded, shaped, and changed you. You describe these two environments at length, but don't spend much time on how you have transformed; this transformation should be the focus of your piece. You start out to do this with the first sentence of your last paragraph, but you need to evaluate deeper, with more explanation. How will you "use these resources to (their fullest) potential"? This deserves more explanation.
OP datanator 2 / 2  
Nov 21, 2008   #3
i want to add a example on how the indian education system helped me. I am going to tell a story -type thing about when i first came to america and i only know few words...and with hard word and perseverance, i learned adequate english within the first two months...
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 22, 2008   #4
That sounds like it will be an effective addition; make sure that you include enough detail to tell the story, but not get off topic or focus so much on this story that it diverts the focus of the piece.

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