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why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay!


Mandoy10 1 / 2  
Dec 5, 2009   #1
I'm typing my college essay and I'm handing it in in a few days is it good so far? what else should I say in it? What is wrong with it? What changes do I need to make?

The essay isn't finished yet cause I am stuck on what else I should write.
this is a topic of my choice for the common app. Its about why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of a tomboy is: "An energetic, sometimes boisterous girl whose behavior and pursuits, esp. in games and sports, are considered more typical of boys than of girls." This amazes me, as this definition validates who I was growing up. I didn't care what I wore or how I dressed, I wasn't into makeup, and I didn't like what all the other girls were doing. Being outside was my life and I could do anything from playing my favorite sports to collecting rollie pollies under rocks. Reflecting on my childhood makes me realize that individuality is one of the most significant qualities in a person. If one denies his or her individuality, then they deny themselves. Embarrassing to say there were instances in my life where I was ashamed of my differences, however as I became older I started seeing these differences as something special.

Through out my childhood, I accumulated mixed feelings for who I was because I was different; different meaning I was too skinny, ugly, shy, I was a tomboy and I was strange. In elementary school I was far from being the social butterfly and sadly to say, sitting by myself was common. My atrocious bowl cut hairstyle that my mother gave me and the nerdy glasses I had to wear contributed to my reluctance to talk to the kids in my class.
jbrown09 3 / 18  
Dec 5, 2009   #2
It's an interesting topic so far, one I think can make a real good essay. But you'll need to write a little more before we can really evaluate it for you
xugx29 4 / 17  
Dec 5, 2009   #3
According to Dictionary.com, the definition of a tomboy is: "An energetic, sometimes boisterous girl whose behavior and pursuits, esp. in games and sports, are considered more typical of boys than of girls."

I dont think this is good start for a college essay since too many people use it. It looks impersonal and stereotyped. You may want to change it.

You talked about your elementary school which is totally fine. But I think the college is looking for the qualities you cultivated mainly in the 4 years of high school. It may be a good idea to emphrasize the things you did these years. Keep brainstorming about how did you grow up as a tomboy. There must be some excellent stories, pick up one, immerge your self into the scene, write down the first empressions, no matter what. You could find something special.

Good Luck!
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 5, 2009   #4
According to Dictionary.com, the definition of a tomboy is: "An energetic, sometimes boisterous girl whose behavior and pursuits, esp. in games and sports, are considered more typical of boys than of girls."

how about: tomboy, "an energetic..."? makes your start more powerful.

This amazes me, as this definition validates who I was growing up.

awkward phrasing. this word reflects my personality?

dressed, I wasn'

; or :

If one denies his or her individuality, then they deny themselves.

it was personal, until this generic statement killed your momentum

Embarrassing to say there were instances in my life where I was ashamed of my differences, however as I became older I started seeing these differences as something special.

Although I am embarrassed to say that there were instances in my life when I was ashamed of the peculiarity of my character, I started to see these differences as something special as I grew older.

different meaning I was too skinny, ugly, shy, I was a tomboy and I was strange. In elementary school I

too many subjects. combines your segments.

ok... don't go too far. no need to say skinny, ugly, shy. just shy's enough. but how is you being nerdy a tomboy?

the beginning looks decent and does carry momentum. but you probably don't want to set your negative difference as individuality, unless...
actually, you could talk about how something changed you internally. An event, or something, that transformed your view of yourself. No longer do you view nerdyness as a hindrance, but as something "part of you". you could also (if it's true) talk about how through this change, you gained confidence and integrated in the school life and made friends.

but the entire thing has to be a story and flows well. For me, I went through immigration and realized that being a nerd isn't bad and I shouldn't be ashamed of it (of course, my topic and my circumstances were very different), but you could use an event to tie your individuality.

Don't forget one thing, you have to talk about your psychology. The reader wants to know why you are different / special INTERNALLY, so talk A LOT about your feelings and change in your psychology.

good luck, hope that helps.
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Dec 5, 2009   #5
I love what you've done! I also agree with some of the sentiment above, particularly the caution about how to start your essay ('According to Dictionary.com...')

Here's a thought--why not start your essay with an element of surprise? You might describe a person that sounds like 'a boy. ' Their physical attributes, their interests, their clothing, etc.

("Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: " etc)

This device will help you both paint a vivid portrait of yourself, and also create a more interesting, unexpected narrative or twist. At the end of paragraph 1, you can confess the person is you, and then paragraph 2 can be your reflection on being yourself and the problem with the term 'tomboy.'

Just a thought to spice things up--best of luck!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 5, 2009   #6
("Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: " etc)

beware, don't make you sound like an antisocial maniac.

your reflection on being yourself and the problem with the term 'tomboy.'

well, you don't want to focus on the word, but who you are, which isn't exactly the word from your description.

my suggestion, again, is to use an event.

your reflection on being yourself

is good, but how do you change that without something happening to you? How do you go from shy to not shy? something MUST happen.
xugx29 4 / 17  
Dec 5, 2009   #7
beware, don't make you sound like an antisocial maniac

Haha, that's a good suggestion. But I do think this Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: is eye catching. I like simpleness. The most simple is the most powerful.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 5, 2009   #8
Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests:

eye catching, yes, but no social OR interest? what kind of maniac are you or trying to tell the admin? i mean, what you ARE is reflected in what you WRITE. So tone down a bit in this. you really don't want a NEGATIVE eye catch. after all, the admin remembers you by your first sentence.

this said, I agree with this strategy, just not this EXACT first sentence.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 5, 2009   #9
So many of these essays suffer because the authors chose early on to forgo any kind of instruction in logic. I mean, you're coming up with this word and its definition, then you're saying it amazes you because ... some reason. Flip the chronology around, where you seek out the word tomboy to describe an extant personality...
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #10
where you seek out the word tomboy to describe an extant personality

yea, but then the word will sound like it's been added... for some reason

the whole point of putting a word is to catch the reader's eye, so if you put it later, it kinda loses the whole purpose. i mean the prompt isn't find a word that describes you.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 6, 2009   #11
My fault, I didn't communicate clearly:

I don't mean "seek out" in the true sense, but more as a comment on the "chronology." "Seek out" subtly means to give order to the events. She already has these qualities and one way or another thinks tomboy is a good word. So instead of portraying a random word from the dictionary as intersecting with her personality, she should take a more direct approach; obviously she looked for the word tomboy AFTER her personality developed, causally, so her existing approach is twisted ("amazed").

These thought patterns must be corrected or they recur again and again, ruining the organization of a lot of essays.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #12
obviously she looked for the word tomboy AFTER her personality developed

yup, agreed. but either way, if she actually chose a word that reflects perfectly her personality (very unlikely anyway, since each human being is so different), then chronologically it doesn't matter does it?

I mean, would you say: smart, logical, nerdy, a geek? or would you say Geek, smart, logical, and nerdy? I guess it depends on your own "voice" and preference.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #13
sorry dude, that's not how this website works. either you comment on other people's work, or you don't.

Please don't post your work in others' thread. Start your own! you will get help.
autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 6, 2009   #14
I'm very sorry about that because I don't know how to post my essay. Therefore I bother you.

Please, instruct how to post. Thank you in advance
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #15
ok, go to homepage-->undergrad essay(or whatever other forums)then you're gonna see on right top corner NEW THREAD.

click this, post title, your essay, and you're done!

btw, put the prompt, makes it easier.
autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 6, 2009   #16
Thank you so much for your instruction!
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Dec 6, 2009   #17
Antisocial maniac--lol. Though that does have its own comic flair ;)

Whatever introductory paragraph 'device' you choose, my point is, in a short essay, you have to effectively utilize the space. We (the reader) know what a tomboy is, but we still don't have a vivid, comprehensive picture of who you are. Overall, I'd just like to see more nuance and more color in this short essay, so we have a more complete picture of your identity--and by then end--really appreciate how you came to embrace it.

Ultimately, I believe that the strongest essays and stories are the most humanizing, colorful and authentic. Yours is almost there, but I would push it further.

Best of luck!!!!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
mastersirob 1 / 3  
Dec 6, 2009   #18
just an idea for the sentence ...Being outside was my life...
changed to ...being outside was second to nature(or natural) for me...


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