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'I indulge in silence' - my commapp


jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 5, 2012   #1
This is the essay which I hope to use for common app!

Please provide any edits on grammar, tone, vocabulary choice.
Any feedback is much appreciated and will be returned ASAP!

Prompt: Topic of your choice.

:D

I indulge in silence. Though I find refuge in music, I revel in nothingness. I find comfort in the cadence and melodies that can not be man made- the blinking turn signal, the drip of a faucet not completely turned off, rain that beats insistently on windows.

I am an audiophile. I am alone in mental conversations where I create a hundred different perfect possibilities and situations.

I think of millions of things that are wrong: our generation living through the experiences of others posted on social media, the sharp words my father uses to antagonize my mother, and the distance grown between childhood friends.

I make a laundry list of simple pleasures- moments that becomes an inside joke, cleaning messy spaces, letting the opposition win in an argument- a make a note to do them again.

I am a people-person. Yet at some point, I gained deep appreciation for solitude. In eighth grade, when I fractured my mandible in 6 places- I could not talk. Dialogue came through means of a white erase board, which made the simplest chatter delayed and protracted. I spent a lot of time alone those six weeks which made me appreciate my voice, but silence even more. I never search for solitude, it always finds me- the hours awake before sleep, the moments I detract from conversation, the car rides to school.

But in that time I've found the perfect apologies for hurt friends, established a strong validation for my conservative beliefs, reasons not to get a tattoo-yet. Silence has spoken louder than all other noises since it has allowed my mind to run wild on many fronts. Some may claim its psychoanalyzing but I like identify to it as psychosculpting-creating and molding, observing and characterizing in a realm never exhausted.

It is non-addictive, free, non-fattening, catered to each's own.

I indulge in silence.

ekreal 6 / 35  
Jan 5, 2012   #2
Ahh I don't know.. I really like some parts of the essay, but then there is some parts I just find weird and confusing! I think you kind of jump from one subject to another, just listing things.. You say you think of a million things, go into the deep with all of those things, that is what's missing in your essay.

The introduction paragraph I don't really like or get.

The second paragraph is really good, I would probably start out with that one. The next one is good as well, the third one about the laundry I don't get at all..

The one starting with I am a people person, not so sure either, but the one starting with But in that time.. Is good for your conclusion..

Hope it helps :-) It has great potential! Don't seem to be harsh, just trying to be critical and helpful :-)

Could you give mine a look, I have deadline in 45 min!
OP jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 5, 2012   #3
Thanks! Yah I made this while listening to a lot of acoustic indie stuff. Lol I know its a risk, a hit or miss thing. But I wanted to make sure its not tooooo abstract.

I still don't know if I'll use it but yah thanks!
Deff will look at your essay.

Thanks again
pjw7109 7 / 23  
Jan 5, 2012   #4
This is very unique essay.
I can hear you voice in this essay.

good luck!

p.s. very powerful ending
omo5031 8 / 33  
Jan 5, 2012   #5
this is a really good essay. I like your style of writinga and I feel like I know you through you tone of writing.
Good luck:)
Thanks for checking my essay
mylo_zyloto 3 / 9  
Jan 5, 2012   #6
This is a very interesting essay. I didn't think it was too abstract, if you were worried about that, but then I like to jump in and out and up and down in my own essays. I do think that you could make it a little stronger if you opened with you talking about shattering your mandible. Some things before that are unclear that would be immediately clear if they came after that. But this was really cool. I love the style of it.
OP jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 5, 2012   #7
Thanks for your feedback! (and everyone elses) I think that would work really well, but I'm not sure how I should go about doing that.

Any ideas? Thankssss!!!!
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Jan 6, 2012   #8
Hi Uchenna!
You're essay is very well written. It has a distinct voice and manages to paint your portrait as a person well. :)
But like some others have pointed out, the essay seems a bit jumpy at some points. No it isn't abstract. You've connected your ideas with concrete examples and inferences. It does however tend to become a sort of 'list' about your characteristics. Since you're writing under "Topic of your choice", you have the liberty to write as you wish. Most essays either revolve around a significant experience. Your essay is different because it just talks about something not as significant as building schools for underprivileged in some country, but something that you experience everyday. Your silence. Your thoughts and outlook towards life. It's simple but well written and has a lot of potential.

I suggest you work on it a bit more. Expand on a few ideas. Being succinct is great, however not at the cost of being discordant. Improve on your flow and your essay will shine. Other than that, great work! Good Luck! Hope I could help. :)

And PLEASE, I request you to check both my threads and give me some reviews/advice/suggestions if possible. I would really appreciate any help. Thanks! :)
Nana12 3 / 12  
Jan 7, 2012   #9
This is really nice, but it isn't good for a commonapp essay. You have to write about yourself, your accomplishments, stand out. Colleges and Universities are looking for specific qualities that make you different. This essay is awesome, but it sounds too poetic. You have to sell yourself as best as you can. Goodluck (: hope the advice helps.
asburyceline 5 / 12  
Jan 7, 2012   #10
i agree with nana12, its a creative essay and its really good but you don't want to be poetic because you want to write something that the admission officers can understand and you should also talk more about yourself, be more specific, but other than that it's good.

good luck!


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