Hey guys,
I like posted this thread twice, because I made a mistake and posted it in ESSAY writing feedback.. So, I am sorry if I seem repetitive..
CAN YOU HELP ME CORRECTING My Supplemental for Rhodes?
They look more like "answers" than "essays", but still I need your help for any grammatical mistake.
MANY THANKS!!!
How were you influenced to apply to Rhodes?
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of European students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of losing me.
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't just have accepted what I decided on, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Why are you applying to Rhodes?
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life. However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search" turns into a daunting process. You have to arrange the pros and cons of your first-choice colleges, to think about what is good and what you don't like.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a college trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officers to show my interest. However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
That was when I came across a Rhodes student's review. It was by chance, but I couldn't ignore it. It said: "the teachers are great, they would help you achieve whatever you set your mind to." Rhodes teachers believe in you and help you live up to your full potential. I realized that, considering it is hard to studying in a foreign country, it would be easier for me to be helped by approachable teachers, the kind I would only be able to find find in such a close-knit college. I looked back at my list, and found it hard to feel that same certainty in the other schools on my paper. Suddenly, my pros and cons seemed unimportant to me.
However, I knew it was way too risky to rely solely on a student's comment to make a school your new first-choice college. That is why I started surfing the net in search of information about Rhodes College. I discovered it to be not only the close-knit school I was looking for, but also a top-tier, high-ranked school, which would be perfect for my pre-medical studies. Also, it was a plus point for the school to be located in Memphis, which plays an important role in medicine. Yes, it may be true that I have never visited Rhodes College, but no other school was able to bring me the same satisfaction.
Hello =)
You made quite a good effort, but I think these essays need a little bit of work. First of all, they're quite short (that's not always bad, but if there is any way you can write more that will help your essay, then go for it)
There's also a few grammatical errors, which I'll tell you about here:
I cannot really say I was influenced by anyone to apply to *****.
At first, actually, I think even my parents tried to thwart me. I am not a mother, but I guess it is not easy to realize your grown-up kid is in that 13% of Europea n students who are going to pursue their education in the United States. The majority of Italian students[s], indeed, usually don't move out for college, and go to a close-to-home university.
However, this definitely won't be my case. E ven though I know that studying in a foreign country is going to be hard, but I still believe it will be the most helpful experience to get autonomy, and also the best way to face a reality other than mine. (That whole sentence was a little bit awkward, you might want to word it differently)
Although they were worried at first , my parents were the first I told that I was going to apply to *****. And they, eventually, not only agreed but also helped me out to fill my forms, believing that ***** was the right place for me.
I would not be entirely honest if I said I was applying to ***** just because it is a top- tier school; high-ranked among the US Liberal Arts Colleges. Of course, considering I am going into pre-medicine , it is mainly because of its strong academics that I grew interested in *****, but then I found there was something more in this college. I perceived this from the descriptions of the school, from its students' reviews, and the opportunities it offers. I have been to the States more than once, and I spent last summer in Boston, but I have never visited Tennessee . However, I think it is a good point for ***** to be located in Memphis, which is not just the well-known home of founders and establishers of various American music genres, but it has also a very important role in medicine.
Thank you for your help...
I'll review my essay soon and post it again =)
have a great day
Hi! Your second draft is quite an improvement, good job! Just a few mistakes here and there:
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life . However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search" could turns into a daunting process. You have to arrange the pros and cons of your first-choice colleges, to think about what is good and what you don't like.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a college trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officer s to show my interest.However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
That was when I came across a Rhodes student's review. It was by chance, but I couldn't ignore it. It said: "the teachers are great, they would help you achieve-ing whatever you set your mind to." Rhodes teachers believe in you and help you live up to your full potential. Facing the reality, my ambition doesn't match with my being an International student .In other words I realized that , considering it is hard to studying in a foreign country, it would be easier for me to be helped by approachable teachers, the kind I would only be able to find find in such a close-knit college. I looked back at my list, and found it hard to feel that same certainty in the other schools on my list. Suddenly, my pros and cons seemed unimportant to me.
However, I knew it was way too risky to just rely solely on a student's comment to make a school your new first-choice college. That is why I started surfing the net in search of information about Rhodes College. I discovered it to be not only the close-knit school I was looking for, but also a top-tier, high-ranked school, which would be perfect for my pre-medical studies. Also , it was a plus point for the school to be located in Memphis, which plays an important role in medicine. Yes, it may be true that I have never visited Rhodes College, but none other school was able to bring me the same satisfaction.
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of Europea n students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of loosing me.
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn 't justhave accepted what I decided on my future, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Thank you for correcting again =)
I think I'll just correct my mistakes and submit it!
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't just have accepted what I decided on, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a college trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officers to show my interest. However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
Your essay is wonderful. Good luck! =)
thanks again! =)
best of luck to you too
