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Influenced by drugs and now I'm applying to a UC


montse93 2 / 3  
Nov 21, 2010   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I am the one that keeps my family together. When I come home from school nobody greets me as I walk in, no food is offered after a tiring day at school, I am the one who has to prepare the meal for that evening. I am responsible for providing my younger sister with something to eat, with freshly laundered clothing, and a quiet place to study. My parents are away, in an unknown place, my guardian is working and there is no one around to offer support; no one to warm me with their embrace. Broken promises lay upon my heart, the people who vowed to always be there are no where to be found.

Sophomore year was the most devastating year of my high school career, for at the age of fifteen I was to live without my parents and live under my brother's roof. Because of my parents absence, one night, I was introduced to alcohol by my "friends." That night I discovered how quickly alcohol allowed me to break free from the excruciating pain that was burning inside me.

A few weeks after my first date with alcohol, I began smoking marijuana. At first, I was only consuming it a few times a month, eventually it became twice a week. By the beginning of my sophomore year I was consuming the drug daily, until eventually it was scheduled twice into my day. I was convinced that this drug was the only way to numb the agonizing depression that was overpowering me. Ironically, I woke up the next morning with the same pain in my chest.

Despite all the emotional distress I was undergoing I accepted taking AP World History; a decision that made my second year in high school the most significant of my high school career. Everything inside me screamed against the idea of asking for assistance, however, I admitted that I had an issue that was impossible to overcome alone. It wasn't until the second semester of my sophomore year when I decided to open up to my AP World History teacher: Mr. Kimmons. He became someone I was able to confide in. I was able to share my current struggles with him and not only did he listen and consoled me but he also made me realize that the decisions I made then were going to permanently effect me in the future. I was informed that drugs were not the only way of coping with my issues, I was offered advice and aid and soon I was standing in the entrance of a new beginning.

The following school year I decided to take not only AP English Language and Composition, but AP Physics as well. I became aware that Mock Trial was a program offered at my school and I soon began to attend daily practices for three hours; an activity that allowed me to meet a new group of people and kept me from further harming myself. I was able to juggle both Mock Trial and my AP classes and obtain a 3.6 GPA that semester; it was the first time I received Honor Roll and I was proud of my accomplishments.

I was forced to grow up very fast due to my parents absence, but because of this I gained a strong sense of responsibility at a young age. This strong sense of responsibility has continued with me and is evident in the dramatic change I made with my life: the decision to change the direction I was taking and focus more my attention in my education than the opinion and acceptance of people who, in reality, did not care for me. I am grateful for the maturity that I have gained because it has helped me succeed in school, in becoming captain of the Mock Trial Team, and life in general.
ahhbeee - / 5  
Nov 22, 2010   #2
Your personal statement was really good. Except you did not answer how the impact led to your dreams and aspirations. What are your goals now that you've overcome this phase? Answer that, and you should be good to go with this personal statement.

"[...] he also made me realize that the decisions I made then were going to permanently effect me in the future.." Also, change "effect" to "affect".

Good luck!!! :)
iceui2 - / 70  
Nov 22, 2010   #3
Please please please don't talk about this:

"Because of my parents absence, one night, I was introduced to alcohol by my "friends." That night I discovered how quickly alcohol allowed me to break free from the excruciating pain that was burning inside me.

A few weeks after my first date with alcohol, I began smoking marijuana. At first, I was only consuming it a few times a month, eventually it became twice a week. By the beginning of my sophomore year I was consuming the drug daily, until eventually it was scheduled twice into my day. I was convinced that this drug was the only way to numb the agonizing depression that was overpowering me. Ironically, I woke up the next morning with the same pain in my chest."

Find some other way to describe your pain and how you dealt with it. But don't talk about drugs and alcohol - it will be an automatic reject even if you said you overcame it. Good luck.
OP montse93 2 / 3  
Nov 22, 2010   #4
i dont think it will be an automatic reject.
i've attended college app workshops and UC advisors have gone and
said it is fine to write about it.

thanks for your feedback though
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 1, 2010   #5
Effect is a noun.
Affect is a verb.

For a person who does not approve of marijuana and alcohol, this makes it seem like you are shirking responsibility for your actions:
"Because of my parents absence one night, I tried alcohol..."
For a person who does approve of alcohol or drugs (because some AO readers are also drinkers and smokers) you will seem like the kind of person who judges them. Either way, you are hurting yourself by writing about this.

I don't mean to say it is an "automatic rejection" for bringing up the subject, and I think iceui2 would probably agree that an essay about drinking and drugs with a brilliant unforgettable theme could impress everyone. But the essay does not have a strong theme because you were doing therapy for yourself by writing this instead of focusing on making them want to admit you.

forced to grow up very quickly, ---cliche
to be all that I can be, and not settle for less. --double cliche
I was informed that drugs were not the only way of coping with my issues.---This seems strange, because it is unlikely that you needed to be "informed" of that.

The essay seems to amount to you wanting to do for another kid what your teacher did for you... but after getting a law degree. It actually seems like you needed to talk about your experiences with drugs and alcohol because it is therapeutic to talk about them. Therapeutic things are good. But after you talk it all out, write an essay that shows the reader that you are being proactive about learning law and that you have at least 5 specific, clearly devised goals for the NEAR future. That is how to inspire a reader.

But very often I see essays that seem like blogs or journal entries or counseling sessions instead of statements of scholarly and professional intention.

You write very well, but I don't think you were writing with the intention to give the reader an experience that would cause her to feel inspired by your plan!


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