Growing up, I always had my parents' support, and comfort whenever I please. That is what parents are for, to love you no matter what. However, I always felt the need to be tough, and not show my feelings, or show when I hurt on the inside. Then my boyfriend came along.
I participated in sports at a young age, and continue the activities today. Throughout the carious teams, coaches, and sports, I learned to "suck it up", or keep all pain, feelings, and emotions inside myself. When my boyfriend, Nic, and I first started dating, I usually pretended nothing was wrong because we were a new couple. Months went by, and a couple arguments arose. Looking back, they were insignificant, but at the time I did not know how to deal with them. Nic always spoke his feelings with ease, and I refused to speak mine to avoid conflict. I dreaded conflict. My approach only made things worse. Nic got upset more than once due to me not wanting to talk about problems, or open up, and share my feelings.
Opening up turned out to be the hardest part. I soon realized staying tough on the outside was my shield from getting hurt. In the end, we only have ourselves to live for, and I created a mechanism to accomplish just that. My silence protected me in a comforting way, and I did not know how to change, or even where to begin.
I can remember many splitting headaches caused from trying to hold back tears in front of Nic. Tears equaled the ultimate sign of weakness through my eyes. I worked on talking more about my feelings, but I still did not want to give up my last bit of control by crying. Letting go completely is scary. I defiantly trusted Nic, but something inside of me did not want to give up the one thing I mastered, and that kept protecting me heartache after heartache.
One day, I lost it after many troubled things pilled up. Stress, school, college preparation, and working attribute to my break down. I cried after getting so upset, but did not want to talk. I kept thinking I can handle this all on my own. I have done it before, and I can certainly do it again. Nic, however, had other plans. He stayed by my side the whole time. He did not leave, or try and judge me, but simply sat there holding me till I calmed down. I realized this person was not here to tell me to "suck it up", but merely wanting to just comfort me the best he could. After this, I could finally let go. I now could talk about my feelings because I had emotional support, and comfort.
This ability to let go, and be emotional proved a useful quality. I now help friends who have problems, and realize all they need is comfort, not words, but a shoulder to cry on. Nic's quality of caring is an admirable trait that I constantly seek to mimic. He has given me a quality that will not only last forever, but help in situations that seem unrealistic, and unsolvable. My boyfriend has proven to be an influential person in my life.
Growing up, I always had my parents' support, and comfort whenever I please. That is what parents are for, to love you no matter what. However, I always felt the need to be tough, and not show my feelings, or show when I hurt on the inside. Then my boyfriend came along.
Your introduction needs to be stronger. Revision: whenever i please, that is what parents are for, then my boyfriend came along. The intro is what pulls your reader in.
Instead of saying opening up, try: expressing your thoughts/emotions. Elaborate more.
I think this essay is on the right track, but it sounds more like a high school diary right now.
Good Luck :)
I appreciate the insight that you demonstrate in this story. However, I'm not sure the subject suits your purposes. Even though you express clearly how this particular young man helped you in a significant way, young women who choose "my boyfriend" as their influential person tend not to be taken seriously as potential scholars. Think about giving this essay to Nic, to let him know how significant he has been to you, and then choosing another person (or another prompt) for this essay.
Overall, I think you're not detailed enough about the situation, which makes you sound like a sensitive girl [not the tough girl you defined yourself to be in the intro] who gets hurt and cannot handle what you call an insignificant problem. Perhaps you should write what the problem was, and how it was so significant to affect a tough girl like you, and why you suddenly learned that opening up & facing the problem> better than hiding from it.
This ability to let go, and be emotional proved a useful quality. I now help friends who have problems, and realize all they need is comfort, not words, but a shoulder to cry on.
I don't think being emotional or letting go sounds like an appealing quality.
I personally thought that your writing style is quite bland and your rambled on and on a bit. As a reader, I was able to lose my interest.
You may want to consider perhaps, polishing some sentences up, using paragraphs, and getting rid of information that does neither justice to the essay and if removed, does not lessen the quality of the essay either.
this may sound stupid but its REALLY bothering ME
Stress, school, college preparation, and working attribute to my break down.
when you say college preparation, it makes it all sound so recent. too recent. like this all just happened u know? when reading it, it sorta rushed the story as i was reading it, and rushed the timeline right along. im not sure if thats waht you were going for, but being that this is an admissions essay, im guessing thats NOT what you want. you want to talk about you and your LIFE almost. (idk ive taken ap english as im sure you have so you can relate to what im saying about techniques that rush the story along and stuff)
other than that, i HEAVILY agree with simone. give it to him. say ILY and then write about someone else. although everyone has a bf and gf these days, for some reason it doesnt feel appropriate.
unless you can make it REALLY good.
