Hello everyone! First of all, thank you to those who help people like myself! I wish I was an excellent writer but the fact is I'm not so I've come seeking help.
Our essay assignment was to write about the most influential person in our life so although I feel like I should write about a leader of some sort, I wrote it about my husband because it's the truth.
Below is only a rough draft and I feel like doesn't look very good. I think I've worked myself up because this ONE essay is worth 25% of my final grade. How could I improve what I have written? Is it really bad and needs a lot of work or am I on the right track? Thanks you for your help! (Go easy on me as I've been out of school for 15 years! until starting college this summer)
The Most Influential Person in my Life
Although influential people have come and gone in my life, my husband, Fred, has remained the most influential person for the last twelve years.
From the day I met him, he has always had an optimistic and enthusiastic outlook on life. No matter how bad one's situation may be, Fred believes there's always a bright side. The most important thing to him is his family and when things get tough, he tries to remind himself that he is blessed and others aren't quite as fortunate as he is. Laughter has always played a large role in that enthusiastic outlook and wherever we go, Fred has no problem getting others to laugh with him! It is hard to have a bad day when the person you spend your life with is always smiling. He also makes a conscious effort morning to remind himself of what is important in life and that the day ahead will be a great one. Fred feels that when we are in unhappy situations, we need to look for something good it. I heard him tell a friend, Bob, that if he was unhappy with his job to resign his position. When Bob replied he couldn't because of the benefits and vacation time, Fred told him to celebrate those reasons for staying!
Another reason I find Fred influential is his commitment to everything he does. When the time came for me to go to college he told me that he would make sure money never became an issue as a result of me resigning from my job and he took on an additional job. It's not everyday that you find a person so committed to your success and happiness that they are willing to sacrifice their free time. Fred is also committed to working hard whether that is at work, home or helping friends. Our friend Tom was on a deadline remodeling the structure of a building and when he fell behind, Fred worked hard, into the night, to make sure the building was completed to the specifications that were required. He commits to finish whatever job he starts, no matter the lengths he must go to.
Fred also shows gratitude to those who deserve it and generosity to those who need it. He appreciates that his parents instilled good morals in him and how to work hard at everything. He also credits them with his positive outlook on life.
Fred has generously given of his time and ability to organizations in need. He routinely volunteers his services to the Senior Center as an electrical engineer. This enables the facility to spend money they would have paid an electrician on a senior in need. Fred has also taken my family members on vacation that would not have otherwise been able to afford to go. Last year, he took my niece to Disney World for a week and the year before that he took my sister to New York. He asks for nothing in return other than for them to enjoy themselves! A trip to Disney World is something a child will remember for the rest of their lives and we're glad my niece was able to experience it with us.
My husband being the most influential person in my life stems from the fact that he is optimistic and enthusiastic about life, committed, and always shows gratitude. Life is all about choices so Fred chooses to get out of bed everyday and be in a good mood even on those days when things aren't going well. He chooses to commit to work hard at everything he does and is committed to finishing whatever he starts. Most importantly Fred chooses to give back to those who need it. I don't know many people who seek out ways to help others on a daily basis, even if it's as simple as holding the door open for someone.
When thinking of those who are the most influential in our lives we often look to those that are closest to us and for me that person has been and always will be my own husband.
Flesh out your introduction with a preview of the points you are going to make about Fred.
Make sure to use Fred's name (not a pronoun) the first time you mention him in each paragraph.
Thank you for your response. I am not going to include all the changes I have made to the essay because in the body, I only changed the use of the pronoun "he" as you suggested.
I have changed my introduction paragraph to:
From the time we are born we are being influenced by those around us, be it a relative, friend, or teacher. We are influenced by their character traits and form opinions and ideas that will last a lifetime. As adults, we continue to meet influential people who can change our views and have us look at life in a new way. Although influential people have come and gone in my life, my husband, Fred, has remained the most influential person for the last twelve years.
Also, I have changed my conclusion to:
So many people influence our lives. We are a collection of other's traits and ideas; whether they are positive or negative. When thinking of those who are the most influential in our lives, we often look to those that are closest to us and for me that person has been and always will be my own husband.
Again, I appreciate any feedback you may have.
Oops, sorry. I realized that in my conclusion I brought up a new point when I mentioned negative influences so here is my conclusion:
So many people influence our lives and we are a collection of other's traits and ideas. When thinking of those who are the most influential in our lives we often look to those that are closest to us and for me that person has been and always will be my own husband.
Also, just one more question. When writing an essay, do you include a title at the top? Obviously, this essay is not for an english class or I would know the answer! I have looked around on the internet but want to be 100% sure.
Thanks!
Fred sounds like a great guy. Now, what say you talk a bit more about how he influenced you. His willingness to take on extra work to allow you to focus on your studies is right on topic, in this respect. As for his being optimistic and altruistic, and volunteering at senior center, how has any of this affected you, personally? Are you now more optimistic as a result? Have you volunteered at places yourself after seeing Fred's inspiring example? Do you now make a point of holding open doors for other people? You have done a very good job of showing us who Fred is; now you need to let us see who you are, and how the one has influenced the other, as that is the topic you are supposed to be writing on.
I'd like this to get to the point more quickly. I think we all know that children are influenced by parents and teachers and etc. The heart of what you are saying is that adults also are influenced by the people in their lives. Lead with that.
