Hey everyone! this is my essay for the common app, the topic is as follows : Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
When I was born to the world, my mother experienced a huge hemorrhage that probably capable of taking her life because she was too old for giving birth. Despite my mother's sacrifice when she gave birth, I have been treated as equal as my siblings.
My mother was the one who taught me the difference between living independently and living as a parasite to other people; a difference that figured notably in the process of accomplishment, of being a responsible person, of life.
Since our family financial is declining, she began to work excessively. As she worked every day without a day off, her influences began to degrade gradually. During her absence, this question always wanders in my head, "What happened to her?" In those years, she had never told me "congratulations", "great job", "good luck" or "good night" Moreover, she did not even come to my junior high school graduation because she got a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, our bonding is slightly loosened due to her change in attitude.
The silence continued throughout my high school years and I became introverted, depressed and discouraged. My mother came home only to dip herself in real-time price charts and her fluctuating graph of the stock market. So I hoped to ace my schoolwork, determined to teach myself the difference between reality and fiction, maturity and immaturity, independence and reliance. I kept a strong motivation to stay in the correct direction, take time for my siblings, avoided negative influences from my peers, and saw the world with my own lenses. Nevertheless, all of those have failed to catch my mother's attention when she serendipitously appeared at the dinner table.
The collapse in the stock market recently has driven my mother to leave that risky business. She began to be a Christian afterward, seeking guidance from God and hopefully starting a completely different life than the one that had destroyed her past. I can imagine only too well what her wishes were, because the same have run through my head many times: a closer bond with her family, the chance to give her children the opportunity to chase dreams, and a well prepared future plans.
One day, I realized that my mother was the most influential person in my life. Why did I have been capable of fulfilling my own personal needs without other people's intervention? Why did I prefer a do-it-yourself method? It is simply because of my mother's influences. My mother's intentions are positively brilliant for me to face the reality of the world, and indeed, her image was secretive yet stupendous.
A few weeks after I realized my own carelessness, my mother had a lengthy talk about my concern about studying overseas. It wasn't until I saw my picture with her at my elementary school graduation that I remembered what my mother had taught me so long ago. The real difference between living independently and living as a parasite to other people. I was mesmerized; that was bittersweet. The truth was my mother had never stopped supporting me.
Comments are much appreciated and I am looking forward to it :D
You need a better introduction. Starting out saying that youve been treated as an equal to your siblings doesnt really work because youve provided the reader with nothing to think the contrary. Its almost like youre stating the obvious.
I like your second paragraph, it more describes your mothers impact on you, but it is kind of randomly thrown in. Maybe use that as an introduction instrad of what you have now? just an idea.
Once you work on the introduction i think the paper will flow more. Right now it all just seems a bit choppy and random.
You have a great topic. Hope this helps. Good luck!
I agree that the intro needs work.
When I was born to the world, my mother experienced a huge hemorrhage that probably capable of taking her life because she was too old for giving birth. The result was that _________________. Despite my mother's sacrifice when she gave birth, I have been treated as an equal among my siblings. (Add a thesis statement here before ending the first paragraph. It should be a sentence about the significance of this complicated birth, and it should also be about the main message of the whole essay).
Google this: thesis statement
I like this---> her image was secretive yet stupendous.
You have some brilliant description and reflection in this essay. I am excited about your potential as a writer! The best thing to do is work on that intro paragraph as I explained above. Can you reread the essay and identify a single message that is the MAIN IDEA of the essay? Express it in 1 sentence at the end of the first paragraph.
:-)
