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Ingrown Toenails - Honors College Application Essay

livelax 1 / -  
Nov 13, 2014   #1
Thank you for taking the time to critique my essay.

Prompt: We often use metaphors to help us understand our world and persuade others. Write about a metaphor that you think is powerful, and explore its potential to be helpful and/or harmful in your thinking.

As I bid farewell to all of my fellow citizens at the 2014 Palmetto Girls State Award Ceremony, I remind them all to cut their toenails regularly. One of the laws developed in McCord City was the No Ingrown Toenail Act of 2014. Through our city meetings, we determined that ingrown toenails are a result of an idle life. The cleanliness of an individual's toenails show the self-respect and determination one has for herself. The cleaner the toenails, the more love and confidence one has. On the other hand, if ladies deprive themselves of proper hygiene and care (resulting in ingrown toenails), they are preparing themselves for failure - mentally and physically. By making ingrown toenails illegal, ladies will develop as leaders as they "remove the filth" from their lives, in turn being able to reach their fullest potential and liveliest ambitions. Once citizens remove the ingrown toenails that deter their success in life, they will have the ability to pursue their aspirations.

One of the first steps in proposing this law was to create penalties for citizens convicted of an ingrown toenail. My fellow McCord officers and I set up a 4-step plan for these citizens who have an ingrown toenail due to their lack of self-empowerment. Step 1: "Clean the toenail to wash the gunk off." Palmettonians must diminish the negativity that is surrounding their lives. Much of an individual's lack of self-authority originates from peer pressure, for girls long to conform to the values and beliefs of others. However, this only leads to further degradation of a citizen's true personality. In fact, when settlers came to the land of Palmetto, they strove to build a new, independent country in which diversity and leadership are the powering creeds. They traveled from the United Thingdom, a country in which a crippling society conforms to the popular values. So, Palmettonian colonists yearned to create a government in which individuality is prevalent. Here, our founding mothers nourished their toenails by unlocking their minds from the cages of society and filling it with originality. With this new law, diseased citizens of Palmetto must remove those people who pressure them to conform; they must surround themselves with positivity. As a result, citizens become comfortable in their own skin and pursue their particular passions.

Step 2: Continue to use antibiotics to end the infection permanently. Many will patch up their ingrown toenails with nail polish or close-toed shoes, but this will not suffice the infection from within. Each woman has powerful skills and ideas that she may contribute to this great nation. When first beginning to pursue a passion, citizens will be tested by encountering failure, which results in ladies tending to announce defeat. It may be difficult to continue reaching for success and positivity; however, they must endure the temporary pain. The experience Palmettonians gain from these tribulations will only strengthen them for future ambitions. In order for a citizen of Palmetto to achieve personal success, she must conquer obstacles, such as others' judgements. In early Palmetto, blondes were discriminated against because of their hair color; they were judged as uneducated people and were not allowed to attend school. They had to use different combs, hair dryers, and attended different public hair salons than brunettes did. When Frederica Dougie learned how to read and write, she wrote a letter to Loreal asking for hair dye. She changed her hair color to fit in with the brunettes. However, as Dougie's roots began to show, the real brunettes soon realized who she was, and Frederica Dougie was sentenced to jail. After decades of fighting for their individual rights, blondes were finally allowed the equal opportunity to attend school so they can become educated. Though blondes faced harsh discrimination due to their hair color, powering through harsh condemnation lead them to secure their constitutional freedoms.

The Palmetto Girls State Constitution, which states, "We the women of Palmetto Girls State, in order to provide more strong-willed and dominant ladies, ensure domestic tranquility and encouragement to all of its citizens," precisely represents our sense of harmony. Step 3: Support others through the journey of healing from an infectious ingrown toenail. In a state in which the National Anthem is named "Girl Power," citizens are known for their mighty, rallying spirit. It will be difficult for citizens to walk while suffering an ingrown toenail, for their confidence is shaken. However, with fellow Palmettonians guiding each other, pursuing aspirations and rising from hardships will be less painful. After the horrific strike of Lebola in 4102 B.M (Before Men), chaos struck Palmetto. Although Palmettonians were afraid of this deadly disease, each citizen supported the infected patients as they battled Lebola. With encouragement and unity, Palmetto Girls State strengthened as a whole as each citizen supported each other through the scary outbreak.

Step 4: "Comfort oneself with a pedicure." As simple as a requirement this is, most Palmettonians do not regularly take care of themselves. A citizen may remember that her daughter needs a turkey sandwich for school tomorrow, that the bill for the Volvo needs to be paid, and that another load of laundry must be done when she gets home from work, but she will not remember to take time to rest. To prevent another ingrown toenail, Palmettonians must do what makes themselves happy and filled with positive energy. This will lead citizens to gain willpower and control over their lives, thus creating a citizen's strong passion and work ethic. Though these steps are quite tedious, they are necessary for a Palmettonian leader to take. As the filth of a toenail is removed, our citizens will be able to reach their fullest potentials and create a successful life for themselves in the state of Palmetto.

melramadhani 16 / 46 6  
Nov 14, 2014   #2
Actually, the essay is unique. But I got confused when reading this. I expected Palmetto and McCord to be actual regions, not a fictionary ones in a conference, but it doesn't make sense to the story you told. I had to google Palmetto Girls State in order to understand the context of this essay. I suggest you to explain further about the Palmetto Girls State, so readers can understand the context.
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Nov 14, 2014   #3
What on earth? I get trying to be unique, but this essay literally jumps off the cliff to its death. This entire story is told in a fictional tone. You were suppose to use a metaphor and apply it your real life. I do not see where you are actually applying this story to how you go about your life. Furthermore, the thesis here ...that ingrown toenails are caused by not taking care of yourself is flawed seeing that the majority of ingrown nails are caused by the grooming process i.e cutting the nail incorrectly. In any event this essay needs major rework if it is to be taken seriously. - Admissions Advice Online

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