Hi! I am a weak English student who needs help revising his essay for the United States Naval Academy before submission. It would be a huge help if you could correct any grammatical errors and if you put in your thoughts/ideas about my essay!
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
I am currently at 494 words!
My initial interest in attending the United States Naval Academy came from living around water all my life, I have family and friends who have been at or are still in the Naval Academy as well as other Military schools, and I enjoy being pushed to the limit. I've grown up on both the east and west coast of America, living in a couple cities with big Naval bases. Living in Clearwater, Florida and San Diego, California I have came to respect the courageous and brave acts the Navy does everyday, including search and rescue missions in dangerous situations. I have a strong appreciation for the few who put their lives on the line for the many, because they are tenacious and heroic in the most intimidating situations. These are the same qualities I find in my friends and family who are serving or have served and they are the same qualities I'd want to have. These experiences have greatly influenced my thoughts and ideas.
The Naval Academy will help me achieve my long-range goals by giving me a great education, strong relationships, and necessary skills and expertise. US News and World Report rank the Academy the #1 top public school three years in a row. Their undergraduate engineering program was also ranked #4, which is the major I want to pursue. So getting one of the best educational experiences is very likely. The Academy would help me create strong bonds created between other men and women that will last a lifetime. The Naval Academy has a small population, so majority will see each other often, making relationships even better. Lastly, I expect to gain the fitness and skills needed (both mentally and physically) to defend my country and myself against any possible dangers.
I run cross-country and track for my high school and didn't start until the middle of sophomore year. This is because I played soccer freshman and sophomore years. I wanted to be on varsity like all hard working high school athletes. However, Mount Tabor High School has always had one of the best running programs in the state of North Carolina, so chances of a new runner being on the varsity team were very slim. The summer of junior year, I knew that if I treated my body right and ran with the top runners everyday, I had a likely chance of making varsity. Through my hard work and devotion to running, I earned a spot on the varsity team and received a varsity letter with a team that finished second in the state. I believe this experience shows my true hard working and team player mentality. I stayed honest to myself, always saying I can do more. Lastly, I did everything in my everyday life to improve my chances of being on that team and helping them to a podium finish.
My initial interest in attending the United States Naval Academy
came -comes- from living -having lived around water all my life,
, -instead use :- or -owing to the fact that- I have family and friends who have been at or are still -still are- in the Naval Academy
California -,- I have came
These are the same qualities I find in my friends and family who are serving or have served -in the navy- and -also -
they are the same qualities I'd want to have.
US News and World Report
rank - have been ranking- the Academy -here needs a preposition, I don't know what though- the #1 top public school three years in a row.
( both mentally and physically ) -,-
The summer of junior year, I knew that if I -would treat-
treated my body right and ran with the top runners everyday, I had -would have a likely chance of making varsity.
always saying I
can -could (it sounds better here)- do more.
helping them to a podium finish. -helping them to get to -