Hi there,
The following is my personal statement for the second UC prompt. Please feel free to criticize my work...I really won't take offense. Take a stab at it.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
--------------
7th Inning Stretch
I peered into the eyes of the pitcher, who went into the motion and delivered the zipping fastball. "Clank"! The metal bat flew from my hands, and I raced down the line to barely beat the throw to first base. Standing on the base, a grin escaped from my face, a sense of jubilation pervading my unrequited emotions: this was not merely my first hit in little league, but the accomplishment which marked my over-due entrance into the social and cultural scene in the United States.
As an emigrant from Israel at the age of nine, I had no knowledge of English and I was therefore isolated from the surrounding society. The cultural customs in the United States understandably vary in great detail from that of Israel, and social involvement proved to be a difficult challenge for me in my first two years as an immigrant. Despite these obvious handicaps, I managed to overcome the grim challenges immigration entails, from learning English to reading my first book.
From the initial clank of the bat to the bellowing "Safe!" of the deafening umpire, the transpiring event thrust me into a position of consequence I last experienced on the sun-streaked grass of a soccer-field in Jerusalem; for those split-seconds when I managed to block out the screams of joy swarming in my head, I could hear teammates hollering shouts of congratulations in my direction. Finally - after two solitary years- baseball facilitated my escape from an introverted life, the accomplishment serving as the impetus for me to come out of my social conundrum: I began to participate actively in a wide array of school events, and I forged a plethora of friendships that thrive to the present.
Throughout high school, I worked strenuously to hone my literary and verbal skills, and continue their refinement in my advanced placement English course as a senior. I relish my relative success in learning English, and attribute my progression as a speaker and writer to the indomitable spirit and perseverance which became a hallmark of my personality following the life-altering experience of the baseball game.
My successful assimilation into American society initially developed a strong sense of invincibility in my abilities, leading me to assume my trials were overcome; despite quickly realizing the concept's fallibility, I retain to this day the belief that all challenges need to be confronted with optimism and courage.
Being fully aware of the dreadful failure of many immigrants to effectively assimilate into American culture, I take pride in my integration into the society I was once shunned from; an experience as simple as a hit in baseball launched my entirely new personality and outlook on life.
"Strike three!" As I struck out my next time at bat, I understood that I was in fact not invincible, and that I would continue to face challenges. However, these challenges will be met with an aura of optimism and audacity that became a staple of my personality following the defining moment in little league.
--------------------------------
I personally feel that my essay is very strong in the first three paragraphs, and then loses steam when I express platitudes about having perseverance and spirit, etc. Also, I feel as if my essay could be much improved if I simply reorganize the order of some of these paragraphs... what do you guys think?
Thanks in advance.
thefreedictionary.com/unrequited
If a grin escapes your face, that seems to mean it leaves your face, but I don't think that is what you mean...
I hereby order you to execute at least 8 adjectives and adverbs. Kill them dead, no mercy. Writing is not about collecting a bunch of big words and squeezing them into an essay. It is nice to have a big vocab, but it is more important to write in a natural, authentic way:
Being fully Aware of the dreadful failure of many immigrants to effectively assimilate into American culture, I take pride in my integration into the society I by which I was once shunned; an experience as simple as...
Think of what is the main idea of the essay -- and make it something quite deep, unexpectedly insightful, your best insight about the meditation of baseball and its ability to empower you to transcend cultural differences. Write about that as the last sentence of the first paragraph. That will make the whole essay more powerful.
