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"the Innovative Conceptual Engineering Design" - Common App- one of your activities


turntablespp 6 / 41  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

I was selected from a competitive national pool of applicant into the Innovative Conceptual Engineering Design Program. This program allowed me to work and research with NASA representatives along with well known professors from various universities including Penn state, and Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Under the mentorship of former astronaut Charles J. Camarda and NASA's Senior Scientist Lawrence H. Kuznetz, I was grouped with other brilliant students from across the nation and was voted to be the team leader of my group. Our task, across the span of 7 weeks, was to develop the next generation space suit for Mars exploration. I then presented my findings to a panel of judges and to the press and won many acclamations for my research and ideas, which ultimately led to the opportunity to watch the space launch and take a tour at NASA's Kennedy space station in Florida.

146 words
DARU03 3 / 5  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
I really like your overall essay and great accomplishment, but these kind of essay could easily be shown as "boastful" essay. Like the sentence

"I was selected from a competitive national pool of applicant into the Innovative Conceptual Engineering Design Program." This sentence sounds like you're bragging about your accomplishment. Also try to avoid passive voice
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 8, 2010   #3
Let's use enabled here:
This program allowed enabled me to ...

and let's use the active voice here... I'll add an action verb:
... and NASA's Senior Scientist Lawrence H. Kuznetz, I was grouped worked with other brilliant students from across the nation and was ...

Awesome, congratulations, I guess you are what people call an "overachiever." :-)


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