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An inscription to help a person I may be sharing an abode with know me better


Yayz 10 / 121  
Sep 30, 2010   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate--and us--know you better. =D (1800 character MAX, this is 1799)

As the rain splatters against my window-the translucent green drapes oblivious to this, of course-I try to imagine a similar situation at Stanford. While I doubt California will be plagued by tropical depressions as Florida is right now, the concept of precipitation is the same. Perhaps you and I would welcome the silent moment as a chance to tackle our work, while occasionally stopping to debate philosophy. Perhaps we will be roasting "smores" over a candle after a bout of nostalgia drives us to undertake this whimsical experiment. Perhaps one of us will be winning a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who can eat the last chocolate chip muffin. Or, perhaps, you will be asking me why I mentioned such an apparently haphazard assortment of activities in that note I wrote to you a while ago.

As I left Chemistry and headed for Psychology this morning, happy for the momentary downgrade to light drizzling from furious pounding of rain, I thought about how only two steps remained for me to complete the problem my teacher presented in class. I laughed a bit after reflecting on how eager I was to solve it, but I also noticed how immensely happy I was at the moment. It was fairly strange-after all, how enthralling can finding how many grams of the excess reagent are left be? Happiness is normal and chemistry can be very interesting, but the cause of my joy is that I am extremely satisfied with life. I am delighted with all of my responsibilities and obligations-studying, running school clubs, writing essays for Stanford, to name a few. Although they were beginning to overwhelm me, at that moment and now, the reason I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me.

Perhaps you and I will have a similarly elated year sharing a space at Stanford.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Oct 1, 2010   #2
Yayz, I don't understand the theme of your essay. AT ALL. It leaves me toatally confused on what are you trying to say.
In 1799 characters, you talk about
1)Rains
2) Debate on Philosophy.
3) Rock and scissors.... to eat last muffin. (I doubt if any will 17-20 year old resort " this rock and scissor" method!?)
4) Your class and problem given to you.
5) Love for chemistry...
This is too much stuffed here which ruines the main idea you wish to reflect from the essay. It gets blurred with superfluous sentences and thoughts.

I think you should re work the essay which shows you as a person.... so that if I am your future roommate, then I can judge you. Read this essay, as a future roommate and I think you will understand what I am saying.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 4, 2010   #3
This is good writing, good enough that it can get away with not focusing much on your goals. As a general rule I encourage people to get so focused on their goals that mention of them creeps into every essay, but this essay is a demonstration of inspiration, like much of your writing.

The only part I would maybe change is the ending...
Although they were beginning to overwhelm me, at that moment and now, the reason I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me. ----- this is a sentence I had to read a few times!

Actually... I think all of this can be chopped and replaced:
I am delighted with all ... I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me. Redo that ending! I think maybe at the end you should indeed focus on what psych you are studying. I was just reading about rational emotive behavior therapy, something you might like. End it with some mention of your goals and your specific current interests related to your field.

:-)


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