I just wrote my supplement essay for Duke, and I would love some feedback on it. Personally, I like the way it turned out, I think, but I'm not quite sure what it says about me and if it answers the question in any sort of satisfactory way hahahaha. Help me please? Also, the prompt does say one to two paragraphs and mine is technically three, but one is only one line so it won't be an issue, will it? Thank you!
Prompt: (For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.
I wish I could say my reason for wanting to go to Duke was more weighty and pivotal than it is, but I won't lie. My fascination with and desire to attend Duke all started with a smoothie.
I pictured myself sitting inside the Trinity Cafe admiring the beautiful, sunny weather that so surmounted the slush my hometown was filled to bursting with in spring, sipping the most delicious smoothie I had ever had; it was mango, and exceedingly flavorful and refreshing. Beside the wondrous frozen drink, I had my biology textbook, which I was delighting in thoroughly understanding thanks to my fabulous courses. I read a chapter, delicately sipping on my smoothie to make it last as long as possible. As I finished reading and discarded my cup, I closed my textbook and took a moment to think. Natural beauty, fantastic courses and instruction, and smoothies; Duke has everything necessary for my happiness.
"Kelly!" My mom prodded my side, almost making me drop the smoothie I had been fantasizing about and bringing me back to the real world. "Are you enjoying our visit? Do you think you would enjoy it here?" An ear-to-ear grin spread on my face. "Yeah," I replied, "I think this is the perfect place for me."
Hey kelly...pretty unique and interesting essay you have got there...and don't worry about the paragraphs at all...The only corrections i could think of are:
admiring the beautiful, sunny weather that so surmounted the slush my hometown was filled to bursting with in spring---although i get what you are trying to say here, the sentence as you have written it is very awkwardly phrased..i suggest u rearrange it or re-word it..
delighting in thoroughly understanding---i don't know whether it's wrong or not but the use of "delighting" seems inappropriate...i suggest you replace it with a synonym like "reveling"
Other than that u have a fantastic essay that was easy and fun to read...GOOD JOB AND GOOD LUCK
Please Look Over My Amherst Supplement