Hi, I am looking to transfer to University of Illinois I was wondering if someone could look over my essay and critique it. Thank you and please someone do it as soon as possible.Here is the prompt: ESSAY: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/former institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
Here is the essay:
As I turn towards my future and make life-defining decisions, I look back upon my previous experiences for inspiration and direction. For instance, this past winter break I was given the opportunity to participate in the Boys to Men upward program, where I worked in conjunction with several social psychologists in the research of extrinsic and intrinsic motivators and its relationship to leadership ability. During my time as an intern I found the work challenging, but in the end I grew to love my time in the program. As I was able to create my own research proposal and get hand on assistance in the preparation of my own experiment. In short I become captivated with the research psychologists do.
Upon my return to University of Illinois at Springfield, I realized that the school does not offer the exact path that I want to pursue. Specifically, this is because while the psychology program offers several great focuses, most of the specializations almost entirely revolve the humanity aspect of psychology, rather than the research aspect. Therefore, I feel that UIUC appeals to me greatly because I believe that it presents a path to my goal of becoming an Industrial-Organizational Psychologist. In particular, this is because UIUC's unique approach to research is centered on the incorporation of interdisciplinary ideas in research, such as its determined research program where students are able to gain experience for Ph.D. graduate classes.
Essentially, I know that by attending this university I will develop the skills and knowledge in psychology necessary to develop a higher level of thinking and reasoning skills, which in turn will help me broaden my understanding of techniques used in the field. Ultimately, I believe that the reasoning behind my interest in transferring is purely academic, as while I have enjoyed my time at UIS I feel it is time to move on to an environment that fits my ideals more personally.
Hi :)
Nice job with this essay! Impressive. I can point out a few things that you may want to change:
For instance, this past winter break I was given the opportunity to participate in the Boys to Men upward program, where I worked in conjunction with several social psychologists in the research of extrinsic and intrinsic motivators and its relationship to leadership ability.
This sentence is way too long, break it up into 2-3 shorter, simpler sentences.
Specifically, this is because while the psychology program offers several great focuses, most of the specializations almost entirely revolve the humanity aspect of psychology, rather than the research aspect.
This is a KEY point that you are trying to make in this essay- and you have done that very well! This sentence needs to be slightly re-worded at the start where you say: "Specifically, this is because while the..." It sounds a little like rambling.
Therefore, I feel that UIUC appeals to me greatly because I believe that it presents a path to my goal of becoming an Industrial-Organizational Psychologist.
You are saying the right things, but it sounds "wordy" simplify to make it more concise and easier to read.
You have done a fabulous job with these things: stating your purpose for transferring without speaking negatively of your current/former school, explaining your background, laying out your short-term and long term goals, and how the college will help you achieve those goals. Excellent. Good luck in school! :)
