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The inspiration of my mother- Common App personal essay


lexi716 1 / -  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
This is a very rough draft, I'm not very good with grammatical mistakes, so if you could give me some tips that would be great :) its also kind of long- I'm at 700 words. I don't know if that's too much, they ask for a minimum of 250 words- but I don't want to bore them to death with excess information, so if you see anything that i missed that's repetitive or kind of useless/out of place, i would appreciate any suggestions or criticism. Thank you!

"Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence."

I closely listened to the rain pound against the glass as a sudden clap of thunder nearly made me fall out of my bed in terror. Without a second thought I grabbed my pillow as I stumbled across the darkness of my room towards my mother's bed. "Mommy, can I come in bed with you?" I whispered to her. She stretched out her arms and pulled me in close to her. Suddenly, in my seven-year-old mind, I was no longer afraid.

Growing up, I now know how difficult life was for my mother. For a long time, it was just she and I living alone in our tiny little apartment. We didn't have a luxurious life, and some nights it was a struggle to simply get dinner on the table. But as hard as it was, she never failed to give me everything I needed. For my own sake she never let the troubles we had show, she put a smile on her face and would not let her hardships have any affect on me. She was so strong, and not once did she complain about how stressful it was to be a single mother. This is a quality I am proud to say I have gained from her. I am a strong person, and it is all because of her. Without her loving voice guiding me through life, telling me "I can" whenever I said "I can not," I would not have the confidence that I have today to achieve anything that I set my mind to. She has showed me that nothing is impossible- and that even though sometimes it may seem like there is no hope, you can overcome it. She always used to say to me, that there will be times where you feel like you "hit the wall." You will feel like you cannot continue, and you will think there is no possible solution to the problem at hand, but it is important that you do not give up. No matter what it is you do to break through the "wall"- try a different approach, take a break from the dilemma and come back to it later with a fresh perspective- you have to persevere. And when I did hit my own metaphorical "wall," she was there to continue to believe in me. Without her there to inspire me, I would not have the strength and perseverance that I have today.

Having to raise a child on her own, my mother was very independent. She did not have many people to depend on, so she learned to become reliant on herself. Her profound independence has rubbed off on me and helped me find my own independence. She gave me just enough separation from her so that I still had her complete support, but I also was free to have my own experiences, free to make my own mistakes and learn from them by myself. It gave me just enough independence so that I am now comfortable and confident with the idea of going out into the real world on my own next year.

As I lay awake in bed and listen to the rumbling thunder, and the downpour against my window, I am reminded of the past. I know that I have nothing to fear any longer; the support of my mother has eased me not only through this simple situation, but through many others as well. The numbers of ways in which she has inspired me, changed me, and has molded my personality are countless. I am lucky to have such an inspirational person in my life, someone who is so selfless, so compassionate, and who supports me no matter what the circumstance. She given me the confidence that I need to move forward in my life. Thanks to her, I know that if I persevere and never give up on myself, I am capable of succeeding in college, as well as later on in life. It is this kind of inspiration that my mother gives me that I look up to her for- I hope that I may one day be as inspirational to another as she has been to me.
Luvdance16 5 / 12  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
this is beautifully written. i love how you brought the essay full circle with your intro and concluding paragragh. You clearlyshow the profound impact that your mother had on you.

well done
smileypeace 2 / 11  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
Your essay is beautifully written. I like how you referred to your mother as "my mother" and not "my mom." It offers a great sense of respect you have for your mother.

I would like to point out that you write your mother is an inspiration to you, "I am lucky to have such an inspirational person in my life" This is great, from what I can tell, you also admire your mother for her strength and dedication. You should emphasize that she has served not only as a great inspiration, but also someone who you have sincerely admired.

I noticed that it says, "She given me the confidence that I need to move forward in my life."

I think it is supposed to read "she has given me..."
thecirclegame 2 / 7  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
Very moving essay. I can really feel your mother's spirit. It shows very well in your opening paragraph. =)

Just some extra suggestions, take them or ignore them:
1. Growing up, I now know how difficult life was for my mother.

2. I think it would be even more powerful if you could provide an example (like a story) of how your mother helped you become more independent in your 3rd paragraph.

3. Same thing in your second paragraph- "And when I did hit my own metaphorical "wall,"" Maybe you can tell a story that relates to both influences?

4. Try to include some unique things about your mother, that really influenced you. The fact that she is inspiring to you, and had to go through many struggles is very moving, but I've also seen some other essays on this site that deal with those same themes.

5. "As I lay awake in bed and listen to the rumbling thunder" -- Maybe include something to suggest that you've moved on to the present? (just to make a nice transition)
akim1031 1 / 2  
Jan 15, 2010   #5
For my own sake she never let the troubles we had show, she put a smile on her face and would not let her hardships have any affect on me.

the word should be effect not affect


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