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Inspirational person essay - Common App (directed for Johns Hopkins)


elidavis2001 3 / 4  
Feb 21, 2011   #1
ANY CRITICISM AND/OR HELP ADJUSTING THE ACTUAL ESSAY WILL GREATLY BE ACCEPTED! IM NOT REALLY FOCUSED ON GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES, I WANT SPECIFIC HELP ON THE ESSAY CONTEXT AND IF THE PROMPT TOPIC CONCORDS WITH THE CONTEXT

COMMON APPLICATION (100+ schools including Harvard accept this application) Discuss in 250-500 words one of the following:
1. Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has special meaning to you.
2. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
4. Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

It was a windy, cold December night when my mom was rushed to the emergency room, and later to the operation room, to welcome two more babies into the world. Subsequently, after the incision I was pulled out, cleaned, and laid in my father's hands. Even though it was not the first time my father was going to be a dad, the smile on his face illuminated a sense of pride and happiness that spread throughout the entire hospital.

Throughout my life my father has taught me more than just a few manners and words of wisdom, but to help the people around one before oneself. I can remember the first time I saw my father give money to a homeless man. It struck me because out of the many people that passed by him as if he was just another common sight, my father was one of the handful of people to stop and help him. Since then, I would always notice that when we would pass by a homeless person, the first thing my dad would do was take some money out of his pocket and offer it, even if it was the last he had.

In the year 1991, my dad graduated medical school from the Universidad Nacional Mayor de San Marcos in Lima, Peru. His goal in life, and only way that he would have a smile on his face, was compelling to everybody's needs around him. As a doctor, his everyday job consisted of helping others medically and emotionally. He worked with dedication, from diagnosing a woman's upset stomach to sewing a child's cracked head caused by youthful mischief.

My dad was not only the usual playful, exciting dad. My dad was always worried about my grades and achievement in grade school, always aspiring for my siblings and I to achieve the unachievable and reach for the stars.

On July 24, 2010, at 4 A.M., my sister rushed into my room shaking. The few words I understood from her quivering mumbles consisted of the words 'dad' and 'ambulance.' By the time I ran to the other side of the house, where my parents slept, all I saw was my mom sitting on the bed crying, hysterical, looking for car keys to rush to the hospital. My brother was gone by then. After multiple doses of different type of medication, my father never reacted.

At the age of 48, due to a heart attack, my father passed. The person that once shined the world with his smile, the person that taught me manners and terms of respect, the person that taught me to reach for the unreachable, and the person that made me who I am today, was gone. Gone physically, but never gone spiritually.

With everything he taught me, with everything he showed me, and with everything he gave me, I will live on his teaching and beliefs today, wanting and willing to help the people around me, just like he did.

success212 2 / 5  
Feb 21, 2011   #2
I think that this is a verry good essay to begin with. I can feel your emotion which is very good. I hope you ar going to build on that and ansewr the prompt:you answerd one part which was who than you gave a brief on who exactly he was now explain why he has made such a big impact on you.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Mar 1, 2011   #3
Don't say subsequently and then give another indication of "when."
Subsequently, After the incision I was pulled ---Missing a word?

This paragraph is not developed very well.
My dad was not only the usual playful, exciting dad. My dad was always worried about my grades and achievement in grade school, always aspiring for my siblings and I to achieve the unachievable and reach for the stars.

Google this: How to write paragraph topic sentence
Add a topic sentence to the beginning of this paragraph.

... the bed crying, hysterical, looking for car keys to rush to the hospital. My brother was gone by then. After multiple doses of different type of medication, my father never reacted. ---I crossed out an unnecessary, distracting sentence.

This is a great essay. It's too bad it is great because of the way it helps people cope with their pain. It would be nice if you had a great essay that did not need to be inspired by emotions from such a loss. I hope you and your family are doing well! And I think you are right: There is a field of experience, and if we seem gone it is only a temporary illusion.

You can make this essay even better if you make some connections with your career aspirations... how your Dad's influence will extend into the future as you complete your education.


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