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Inspire/ Entertain/ Enlighten; UNC - Message in a bottle


saaamigr 1 / -  
Jan 6, 2013   #1
Okay, so the UNC supplement I chose is: You just put a message in a bottle and threw the bottle out to sea. What is the message? Can you give me feedback on my essay?

To whom it may concern,
I have written this message in order to inspire you, entertain you, and enlighten you. Whether you find this message floating in the middle of the Pacific ocean, or even if you find it washed up on shore while lounging out on a beach in Waikiki, I hope that wherever you may be, you can take something positive from it.

While this may seem irrelevant to you, I feel compelled to tell you a little about myself, the author of this letter. I am a 17 year old female⎯a senior in high school. While I may be young, I am far from naïve. I have experienced much in my life, and hope to experience much more. Until the age of 14, I grew up in a rather typical, privileged household, with two parents and an older sister. When I found out about my father's drug addiction, the painless and rather simple life changed entirely. He entered a rehabilitation center, and I went from seeing him everyday to seeing him once a month. My parents soon sought a divorce, and dealing with my mother's depression and my father's issues forced me to become an adult. I grew up quickly⎯I no longer cared about the trivialities that I noticed most of my classmates cared about. I changed.

As Kurt Vonnegut once said, "Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why." Life is a series of moments. These moments, almost always are unpredictable, yet even the seemingly most insignificant moment can change your life entirely. There is no explanation, and there never will be an explanation as to why this is true. Although you are a stranger, there is no doubt in my mind that you are going through obstacles, hurdles, and changes in your life. You are most likely struggling. You probably are questioning the people and occurrences in your life, and maybe even questioning yourself. You might even feel that life is not worth it.

This is where I become relevant. Despite what you may or may not be going through, I hope this letter can serve as a reassurance that life is most certainly worth it. Do not allow your inner doubts and struggles to delude you into thinking otherwise. You have endless opportunities and possibilities, and can surely make the most out of what you have. While you cannot choose the circumstances you are brought up with, you can choose what you do with what you are given.

Each and every one of us has the power to make a difference. Nobody is limited by their past or present conditions⎯you have the power to change. Wherever you are, I hope you remember that you have the power and ability to grow, prosper, and change. Do not lose hope.

Sincerely,
Samantha

moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 6, 2013   #2
I think you should change the ending para.. Tie it back to the starting.. Say something again about the fact that you have written it, put it in a bottle and threw it in the sea...

Without that everything's great...
mayfl0wer 6 / 48  
Jan 6, 2013   #3
Whether you find this message floating in the middle of the Pacific ocean, or even if you find it washed up on shore while lounging out on a beach in Waikiki

You talk about your life and your dad's drug addiction and then BAM ending.
You don't talk about how you dealt with your family problems and how 'it got better' so where is the positive ending to your story to help influence the reader? ...


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