'inspiring chat with a Syracuse Admissions Officer' - What influenced you to apply?

Hi! I would appreciate any corrections and criticism you have! Thank you in advance!

Prompt: Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?

I became interested in Syracuse University after an inspiring chat with a Syracuse Admissions Officer. Her passion for SU was infectious and as I took a closer look at the school, it became more apparent that SU is a great fit for what I am looking to major in. Located in the heart of beautiful New York, Syracuse would be a great change of pace from busy Los Angeles.

I know I can offer Syracuse passion, leadership, and amazing homemade brownies. I am looking to enhance not only my college experience, but the experience of students around me, and I know the community at Syracuse can allow me to do that.

As the Editor-in-Chief of my high school paper, I learned at length about writing a newspaper and I am certain that SU can foster my desire to take those skills to the television. The S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications is of the nation's paramount schools of mass communication and has an especially remarkable journalism department. After learning that SU professors have reported and anchored the news and have corresponded from around the world, I know the possibilities of success are infinite at Syracuse. Broadcast journalism is a medium that I am thrilled to explore and I am eager to be involved with a cutting-edge program like that offered at Syracuse University.

Kerry, the admissions officer is not interested in reading about you in this particular essay. He is more interested in finding out why you chose to apply for admissions to SU.Let me point out the parts of the essay that you can develop in order to best answer the prompt.


- What major are you planning to take? What subjects, programs, or internships at the university makes you feel like this is the place for you to call home for the next 4 years? You spoke about the location of the university, write about that in a separate paragraph, build upon the immediate community surrounding the school and how you feel it will help you become a better student.


- You can offer SU this, but does Syracuse have programs that you are interested in joining that will help you further develop these traits of yours? Discuss.


- This should be the opening statement, the hook of your essay. Everything else should come after this. In fact, delete the statement about the chat with the admissions officer. That is irrelevant at this point. I believe this should be the opening statement because it immediately answers the prompt.

Thank you so much! I made those changes and my essay is way stronger!

Broadcast journalism is a medium that I am thrilled to explore and I am eager to be involved with a cutting-edge program like that offered at Syracuse University. The S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications is of the nation's paramount schools of mass communication and has an especially remarkable journalism department. As the Editor-in-Chief of my high school paper, a staff writer for my school's website, MyLouisville, and the editor of my school's recruiting magazine, LG Girl Magazine, I learned at length about both print and online journalism and I know SU can foster my desire to take those skills to the television.

Located in the heart of beautiful New York, Syracuse would be a great change of pace from busy Los Angeles. While it has the offerings of a large metropolitan area, the town of Syracuse remains a textbook college town with a rich cultural history.

I know I can offer Syracuse passion, leadership, and amazing homemade brownies. I am looking to enhance not only my college experience, but the experience of students around me, and I know the community at Syracuse can allow me to do that. Through SU Abroad I can further develop my leadership skills and make the world my classroom. Whether it is in Santiago, Chile or Wroclaw, Poland, the possibilities of success at Syracuse are infinite

Kerry, there is just one more point that I feel you need to build upon with a few more sentences. See my suggestion below.


- Since you say that it Syracuse is a town rich with cultural history, you should somehow find a way to connect it to your Broadcast Journalist major. Offer an insight as to how the history of the town can help you further your career by allowing you practice broadcast events, or perhaps how you plan to write a thesis about a pivotal event in the history of the town. Something that will show the admissions officer that you have plans of getting to know the town on more than just a superficial basis. This will also show how the town experience will help advance your studies and career.