I need help in editing my final college applications response. Any feedback or edit/s will be greatly appreciated!
As a Catholic University committed to building a more inclusive community, USD values students with diverse backgrounds and experiences. Briefly explain how your unique background and interests will contribute to our community. 1400 characters. I'm on 1394.
Studying in a private institution, I have been provided with exemplary degree of academic knowledge. However, growing up in a Christian school at the same time, my young mind has been instilled with Christian values. In today's generation, excelling academically is not the only way to success in life. There are more to it--one of which is being able to generously share your own time and effort.
In my school, I was exposed to the reality that not everyone is blessed with a relaxing life. Working with my fellow Student Council officers in fundraising projects helping the underprivileged and in outreaches to places where no regular governmental support is given, it surely was eye-opening. It didn't matter if I spent my Saturdays in school meetings. What was important was that I was part in helping our deprived countrymen.
After being in this Christian institution, I was able to establish the value of giving and sharing. Today, in this nation where there are more secular schools than spiritual, I will be able to use my faith and values as foundation for theirs. I have also gained a challenge in which influencing others who are spiritually lost and instilling values to them are the goals. I am confident that by entering USD, I can accomplish my challenge and actually find other people who may help me achieve that in a wider, more diverse range of people in the community.
Did I respond to the prompt efficiently? What phrases or sentences do you see can be replaced or removed? Thanks!
Hey there Vincent,
I feel like your subject could be really awesome, but there are some parts that I find a little bit confusing. Maybe it would be better to remove or rethink certain parts of your essay.
Studying in a private institution, I have been provided with exemplary degree of academic knowledge. However, growing up in a Christian school at the same time, my young mind has been instilled with Christian values. In today's generation, excelling academically is not the only way to success in life. There are more to it--one of which is being able to generously share your own time and effort.
The word "young" really isn't important, colleges know your age already. Save that possible word count for an awesome ending.
Also " There are more to it" , this simply doesn't make sense, that entire last sentence is somewhat difficult, I suggest you reconstruct it. What exactly do you mean by "sharing time and effort"
Are you referencing your experiences and emotional growth from participating in community service events and organizations?
I suggest that you gather your thoughts more.
What has community service and being a part of student counsel done for you?
How has that changed you, isolated you, mentally, intellectually, morally, ethically. How has it enhanced your spiritual connection with Christianity...
I suggest you create a stronger thesis, and proof-read your essay. There are a few harsh grammar errors.
However, you have an amazing subject matter. You being engaging member of your community, how does that create a strong sense of awareness, and how do your religious beliefs and spiritual values reflect and enhance your mental understanding and emphasis on community, connection and self-development.
hey.I like the subject matter too but how about using a bit less uptight language?simpler words carry more grit .possibly throwing in one or two good specific examples would help highlight HOW growing up up at a christian school has affected you such as when you talk about "that not everyone is blessed with a relaxing life".
In today's generation, excelling academically is not the only way to success in life.-please don't mind but this sounds more like something taken out of a boring book. Try rephrasing and adding your own voice a bit more.
