'instructive, supportive and compassionate' - personal statement-speech and language

Below is my personal statement draft (first draft!!) would like opinions and edits please!! not sure if i have quite grasped it:

A lot of personal experiences have led to me being interested in working in health. I have grown up with a cousin that has needed help from speech and language therapists his whole life: his school have found it extremely hard to find one that will be a regular input in the children's lives. I have also had experiences with other disabled members of my family that really fuelled my interest to get involved with people that need that extra bit of support in their lives. As well as this my mother has worked in a special needs school for quite a few years and her experiences have had a huge impact on my life. It is something I feel very passionate about and so want to be a part of.

I am surprised how interested and engaged I have become with my current studies. With such in-depth studying into each subject, psychology, biology and English language, it has allowed me to develop my own opinions and explore how and what they affect in our everyday life. With English language I have mostly enjoyed the coursework, being given free rein to write a piece of original writing was wonderful I could focus on something I enjoyed and actually look forward to my work, as well as my recent study into language acquisition and language change.

For the last five years I have volunteered at a riding school that not only teaches able bodied people but also takes rides for the disabled and mental health patients. They are able to build on lost confidence, each step for them is small but it really is an amazing therapy especially for some of the mental health patients who have had a huge knock in their lives. I have been so privileged to have had the opportunity to be a part of the small community. In 2009 I did some work experience in 'first steps' children's nursery this is where I really noticed how important communication is. More recently (2011) I took part in work experience at St Anthony's school which has now been awarded specialist status in SEN for communication and interaction. I was very hands on in all lessons as well as being able to help with the in house speech and language therapist with salt sessions and social skills lessons. These were to help some of the children that really struggled to grasp the concepts of social society and communication and even after their first session you were able to see that their understanding was massively increased.

As well as riding I another way I try to relax is just by getting out, I'll go cycling or walk the dog, and I try to stay active although sometimes this can be hard due to knee problems. I have had knee problems since birth which a now mostly corrected and I try to not let it affect my day to day life. My time spent in hospital has taught me some valuable lessons in life and has allowed me to meet some amazingly inspirational people and I know when I have a career it is them I will need to thank for such amazing inspiration.

I would love to be able to work my way up to be a recognised speech and language therapist, it's good to be able to work your way up in the world so you are able to pick up experience and learn the basic do's and don'ts in practice, for me it's the best way to learn. Being able to help people that are in a similar situation to some of my family and be a part of a wonderful community is vital to me.

For my family getting good quality health staff and someone that will stick around to support you was the hardest thing, now I believe I can become someone that is instructive, supportive and compassionate to everyone I will work with.

this is pretty good ... but I think you need to organize it more, what will make your statement stand out from anyone else's ... talk about your struggles ..

what was the hardest thing you had to face and what did you do to get out of that ..(improve in a way) .. you kind of talk a lot about your career, but

you need to go into depth.

I hope this helps! good luck :)

thank you :) i shall make some changes and see how it turns out :)