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"integrity"; This is the idea that I would like to convey, does it make sense and read well?

purple92 3 / 6  
Dec 26, 2008   #1
Hi I could really use some help/ ideas

This is the idea that I would like to convey, does it make sense and read well?
My biggest problem is that the word limit is 150!

During our Mid-State Fair, you could find me down at the fairgrounds at 7:30 in the morning cranking open the Dip-N-Dots booth, balancing the receipts, and donning my fluorescent green hat to serve flash frozen ice creams. But my independence was worth it. I couldn't however pass up the opportunity when two upstanding vendors offered me jobs.At 1:15 I would go running through the crowd of fair goers pulling on a Pizzeria apron.

I applied myself diligently to both jobs: coming in early and cleaning up my co-worker's messes. At Dip-N-Dots I was soon rewarded, I was promoted to Manager, the pay was the same, but I had more responsibility and often had personal conversations with the boss about how to manage a business. At the Pizzeria however all of my effort was ignored- I would go to other booths and translate and offer to stay and close, but none of this seemed valuable to the owner. As the fair came to a close I saw the owner having a conversation with the cooks; he was offering to pay them by the day instead of by the hour. It was no business of mine, but when I calculated the two wages I saw that he was cheating them out of their money. That day the boss came up to me and was complaining about how annoying the summer work season was, I just nodded and went back to work. The next time I spoke to him was when I came to pick up my pay check; I was content with what I had earned during those weeks and was proud of my effort regardless of his recognition. While I waited the owner pulled me aside and offered me a job at his restaurant in town. My first thought was victory; he did value my work. But, I respectfully declined his offer. I had learned perseverance, but I had had experience with that lesson before. Mostly I learned that the motivation behind your actions is important.

OP purple92 3 / 6  
Dec 26, 2008   #2
sorry it should say "couldn't however pass up"
does the integrety lesson at the end make sense? I was WAY out of words so I didn't offer any more explination...
imike 3 / 20  
Dec 26, 2008   #3
At, the Pizzeria however all of my effort was ignored --- The comma should be removed

you focused on the work well, but not on the integrity portion
you have to be able to develop that in fewer words
i do see where you are going but you have to make the connections stronger

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