Great use of the word splat. ha ha...
Your long paragraph, the anecdotes, the stuff about family and military service... you have the ability to make a strong theme... so that this will be a message about giving 100% and making life meaningful through focused work and good intentions.
But before you can do that you MUST cut out the fluff:
Military intelligence officers function in a number of capacities ranging from tactical, battlefield planners to attachés working diplomatic missions in foreign embassies.
Sounds like a brochure.
Of course, there is just one major obstacle standing between me and my goal - a bachelors degree.
Waste of a sentence.
I am most attracted to the MES program at The University of Texas at Austin for a few very significant reasons.
Waste of a sentence. Don't waste a sentence saying you are about to write sentences with reasons. Just write the sentences with reasons.
Of course, there is just one major obstacle ..
All this stuff has to go. To say the least is fluff, of course is fluff, and it is super fluffy to say the faculty consists of experts in various subjects. It would be a sad institution if it did not have experts in various subjects.
Cut out the fluff, and expound your theme. That is the art of writing... like Miyagi pruning a Bonsai tree, cut out what is extra and make every sentence artfully open up the reader's attention to ONE central idea.
So... what is your theme?