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intellectual pursuit + a brief autobiographical statement


shinez 1 / 1  
Feb 28, 2009   #1
Please help,I have to submit these two essays today.I am sure they are in need of a repair!
1.Describe an intellectual pursuit or experience that has had a special value for you.
Although I have always been considered intelligent and well read by my families and friends,I feel,to my detriment,that I havent lived upto their expectations.I was always one of the top students in primary school.I studied hard and participated actively in class.I remember whenever my name was called during award ceremony,my family would get on their feet and applaud for me proudly.Their presence and support gave me a sense of importance and encouraged me to do better next time.

As I approached the middle and high school,I developed strong interest towards Mathematics and Sciences.I kept reading more books on Sciences,and the more I read,the more I became curious,and the more I read widely and deeply.Again,I frequently read books that were too advanced for me.One field that completely fascinated me was Astronomy.Reading about stars,planets,meteors and other heavenly bodies intrigued me more than anything.Although I gained knowledge,this had a negative effect on my grades as I mostly read outside the syllabus.Predictably,my overall high school perfomance declined and I graduated with above average grade.

One other field that caught my interest was computer studies.I remember how excited I was about computer classes when I first joined high school.I was curious about softwares and hardwares and wanted to understand the Science behind it.I decided to take Computer Science since it was one of the optional subjects.A few weeks after I joined the computer class rumours came that in the year 2000,all the copmuters would stop functioning.This completely caught me off guard and I had to make a difficult decision.Regrettably,I dropped Computer and took Commerce instead.

Although I have been away from academic world for a few years,my passion for Computer Science never wane,instead it grew stronger.Its always been my believe that one day I will activate my otherwise dormant dream and pursue a career in Computer Science.

2. write a brief autobiographical statement that accounts for your present determination to continue your college education. Include any specific aspects of your personal experience and background, intellectual interests, and plans upon the completion of your studies.

Being the first born in our family,I was expected to share in the family responsibilties at a very age.I was aware that my siblings looked up to me and I had to set good example for them.I believe my childhood experience gave me strength and also the love of my family were a great source of momentum that had drifted me smoothly through my school years.

Throughout primary and secondary school,I was a hardworking student and always managed to get the top position.I read ardently as I was curious about everything around me.I developed strong interest towards Sciences and Mathematics,and was particularly passionate about Astronomy and computers.I remember the long hours I spent in the library reading different books on Astronomy and Computers although I knew what I read completely outside the syllabus.As a result,my overall academic performance declined and I managed to graduate high school with above average grade knowing it was not my best effort.To my utter dissapointment,I realized I couldnt get admitted to local universities due to my high school grade,which is the only factor considered for admission.At that moment,I felt as if my dream came to an end.The dream of achieving my educational goals,hence acquire knowledge and skills to make a difference in the lives of my compatriots.

One day a thought crossed my mind and I asked myself,why dont I volunteer in community work?Later,this thought was transformed into a reality when I started working with GTZ Urban Refugee Assistance Programme.I took part in various activities which include distribution of food and non-food items to the vulnerable groups,awareness creation on communicable diseases and HIV/AIDS and networking and collaboration with other organizations.Since I am fluent in four languages,of which two are Ethiopian languages,I interpretted for refugees from Ethiopia who dont speak English.

As I continued to serve the community,I realized that I could do better if I furthered my education gained more knowledge and skills.My goal is to pursue a career in Computer Science,this is partly due to the passion I have for it and partly because of the computer scientists in my country.Through my knowledge and skills I will be able to make a difference in the lives of my compatriots,hence achieving my ultimate goal.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 28, 2009   #2
Again, I frequently read books that were too advanced for me. One field that completely fascinated me was Astronomy.

Although I gained knowledge,this had a negative effect on my grades as I mostly read outside the syllabus. Predictably,my overall high school performance declined and I graduated with above average grade . Is this what you meant to write?

I was curious about software and hardware and wanted to understand the Science behind it.
A few weeks after I joined the computer class, rumors came that in the year 2000,all the computers would stop functioning.

You need to be more careful with your punctuation, especially leaving a space between sentences.

2. write a brief autobiographical statement that accounts for your present determination to continue your college education. Include any specific aspects of your personal experience and background, intellectual interests, and plans upon the completion of your studies.

Being the first born in our family,I was expected to share in the family responsibilities at a very age.

Throughout primary and secondary school,I was a hard working student and always managed to get the top position. I read ardently as I was curious about everything around me .

As a result,my overall academic performance declined and I managed to graduate high school with above average grade knowing it was not my best effort.

To my utter disappointment ,I realized I couldn't get admitted to local universities due to my high school grade,which is the only factor considered for admission.

Here are a few fixes for this one, but I think if you read it through one more time, you can iron out the little things like this.

Good luck in school.

:)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 6, 2009   #3
"Although I have always been considered intelligent and well read by my families and friends,I feel,to my detriment,that I havent lived upto their expectations." This sounds like a thesis statement. In fact, I expected you to write about why you feel that you haven't lived up to your family's expectations. Of course, you don't do that, because that would be a horrible idea in this sort of essay, so perhaps you should revise this sentence.

"As a result,my overall academic performance declined and I managed to graduate high school with above average grade knowing it was not my best effort." And this is the explanation for the aforementioned sentence from your first essay, floating around lackadaisically in the middle of your second one. In keeping with the "don't mention anything negative about yourself in an admission essay" theme, I suggest that you don't mention anything negative about yourself in this essay.

How should we know what intellectual pursuit or experience has special value for *you*? What sort of activities do you engage in to expand your mind for fun? Hopefully you can think of at least one such activity that you participate in fairly regularly. Once you have that, you just need to explain why the activity matters to you. Good luck.


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