Hi guys. I'm doing a essay for Stanford Transfer. Please review and gave me your honest opinion. Grammar's not my strong point, so sorry about those ahead of times. I know I suck at writing, but I'm trying my best. Thank you so much
Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
Bounded air-tight and fuming under a business suit, I did not expect much as I headed toward my first debate tournament during my sophomore year of high school. My lack of enthusiasm did not stem from the solemn morning air curling around my throat, nor the fright that grip all first time athletes and performers. Rather, it was a contempt sense of arrogance and overconfidence in my abilities. I had prepared, no, more than prepared, I had mastered the prescribed topics. Furthermore, my vast resources of information and knowledge will assure me certain victory. As the tournament commenced, and as the day progresses, I began to realize how wrong I had been all along.
Out of the three rounds in the tournament that day, I won only one. My losses were not a result of my opponents having more knowledge or data than me, but rather a much better analysis of them. My eyes were wide propped open with the burning tongs of humility, and I was humbled before immense diversity of perspectives and ideas from my opponents. I learned, quite painfully, that having a large amount of data had as much value as a pile of dead fish if it wasn't analyzed effectively. On the other hand, even a few meager statistics could become a key player if analyzed in the right way.
Originally, as an astute student, I believed that to fulfill all my aptitude, and to have true intellect, one must gather as much data and information as humanly possible. However, through my less than stellar performance at my first ever debate tournament, I realized that it is not the acquisition of knowledge, or the memorization of them that amount to intellect, but rather the ability to process them, to effectively analyze them, to understand them, from different angles that is real intelligence. From this experience, I began, in all my fields of study, to not only gather the information, but also to reflect upon it, to unravel it, to see all the knowledge has to offered in its entirety, all in my hopes that one day I may call myself a true intellectual.
aLuckyStudent
There are some word choices here that probably aren't the best, but the effort is good. Fuming, contempt, prescribed, vast, etc.
Some tenses are not really right in some sentences -- "would assure", "as the day progressed", etc.
Should probably be "I had prepared -- no, I had more than prepared, I had mastered"
Out of the three rounds in the tournament "that day" <-- redundant with tournament
"having HAD more knowledge"
"rather having much better analyses of them"
wide propped just not right
burning tongs? no.
before THE immense diversity
dead fish <-- completely random
On the other hand not quite used right
statistics plural inconsistent with "a key player"
You should consider revising your last paragraph in practice. The overall idea is good, but the words and metaphors are overdone. If you try to spruce up your sentences without having correct grammar in fundamentals, it'll stink as much as a pile of dead fish.
