This is my short answer for Brown University, any comments or changes would be much appreciated. Thanks so much!
A: Why do you want to go to college?
A: The coffee maker pumps out its first roast. Drew, who learned my name months ago, generously fills up a cardboard cup for me. He hands me the coffee and flashes the charming smile he saves for all his 'regulars.' Stopping only to sprinkle cinnamon in my cup, I take a seat in my corner and scan the room, feeling the utmost sense of comfort.
I recognize most of the people here, all falling under the category of middle aged or elderly with maybe a few college students straggling about. None of the 'regulars' are of my own age group, but this suits me just fine. I've never been deterred by the fact that I identify with an older crowd. These are people who have lived to tell a tale or two. I embrace their maturity and wisdom even more so than the stories. It's that passion and appreciation for old-fashioned ideals and universal themes that holds the most value to me. People who are excited by things like Doctor Who and the pre-frontal cortex are rare gems for my age. Those I surround myself with here at the Barnes & Noble cafï are hidden jewels. We talk about the Classics, the education system, pie recipes, research results from different psychology journals or NPR news, ad infinitum.
Honestly, it doesn't matter what we're talking about. Every person here is so extremely enamored with a subject (or all subjects) that I always have the most stimulating discussions. That, I realize, is what I'm missing with my own public education and classmates: Intelligent conversations, fervor for discovery, and a curiosity in connections. Without a doubt, that is why I am so adamant to go to college, especially at Brown University. I will be surrounded by people my own age who share such an intrinsic motivation to soak up knowledge. Plus, the abundant opportunities at Brown for research in psychology, such as the summer research grants and the Royce Fellowship grants to design my own study, are unmatchable.
I love my cafï community, but it's time to make my own stories.
I HONESTLY love your introductory paragraph. It utterly captures one's senses and draws the reader into your point immersely. The second paragraph is kind of...mundane, maybe? I don't know but I love the way your writing concludes a really important point, which is the reason of you getting into college. however, my only suggestion would be to follow your own instincts, no one know you better than you. And no one knows why you want to go to colllege than you do. So, follow your instincts. They will lead you!
Keep up the good work, Grace! Well done!
~Lilly Cullen
Nice! Really like your indirect approach. Very unique. Plus your incorporation of self into the whole writing is pretty amazing. NICE AGAIN!
I just love the first paragraph. Your essay shows your confidence in excelling! Keep up the amazing work
Ah I love your essay! I wouldn't change anything...it captures the perfect amount of your personality while also being informative!
Good Luck!
Thank you all for you comments! I'm hoping to tweak the sentence structure a tad, but your critiques have definitely boosted my confidence.
I like this, but it could use some sprucing up.
First, it is unclear that you're at a coffee shop right away. You should make that more clear. Also, drop the thing about Drew learning your names months ago. It kills the flow and isn't really relevant.
Second -- and most significant -- there a bunch of places where you could use colorful details to make the essay stronger. Eg., I recognize most of the people here, all falling under the category of middle aged or elderly with maybe a few college students straggling about. Could be re written: I recognize most of the people here, Judy the white haired grandma, John the baby boomer hippie. Eg., ..we talk about the classics... could be 'we debate whether Thucydides or Herodotus tells a better history.' Show detail, just don't tell. Obviously, word count is an issue here, but kill everything that doesn't make your essay much stronger so that you can put in the details that do.
Third, watch out for tone. You say ...what I'm missing with my own public education and classmates: Intelligent conversations,... This sounds like you're talking smack and judging others (even if its true). It's hard to believe that in an entire school there is no one (teacher, classmate, custodian) who is capable of intelligent conversation; and, it's not very Brown (I actually went there -- and loved it -- which is why i am writing).
But overall this is good! It's quirky and unique and shows you've researched your school with the Royce mention.
Your critique has been extremely helpful. After taking your advice into account, I've made a few changes. Tell me what you think!
A: At 9:00 Sunday morning, the Barnes & Noble coffee maker pumps out its first roast. Drew hands me a cardboard cup of coffee and flashes the charming smile he saves for all his 'regulars.' Stopping only to sprinkle in a bit of cinnamon, I take a seat in my corner and scan the room, feeling the utmost sense of comfort.
I recognize most of the people here, like Beth and Steve, the retired history teachers, Mark, the fedora clad grandfather, and Susan, the organist at the Methodist church downtown. None of the 'regulars' are of my own age, but this suits me just fine. These are people who have lived to tell a tale or two. They possess that passion and appreciation for old-fashioned ideals and classic themes that holds the most value to me. Those I surround myself with here at this bookstore are hidden jewels. We talk about whether James Joyce was really dreaming in Finnegan's Wake, the rising popularity of community gardens, research results from different psychology journals, and if Garrison Keillor will actually retire, ad infinitum.
Honestly, it doesn't matter what we're talking about. Every person here is so extremely enamored with a subject (or all subjects) that I always have stimulating discussions. That, I realize, is what I hope to continue: Deep conversations, fervor for discovery, and a curiosity in connections. Without a doubt, that is why I am so adamant to go to college, especially at Brown University. I will be surrounded by people my own age who share such an intrinsic motivation to soak up knowledge. The abundant opportunities at Brown for research in psychology, such as the summer research grants and the Royce Fellowship grants to design my own study, are unmatchable. At Brown, all the resources I need to have the life I love and thrive in with the regulars at Barnes & Noble are there and ripe for the picking.
I love my café community, but it's time to make my own stories.
i really love your introduction paragraph. And the essay is pretty amazing
GOOD JOB..(:
Glad to help! Yeah, I think it's much better. A couple more points:
a) Intro, I think the image of a coffee maker "pumping" doesn't quite work. Figure out what sound it actually makes gurgling, dripping whatever and use it. Is the cardboard cup thing important? I'm confused by it. Most coffee shops use the cardboard cups.
b) ad the name of a good psych journal (or could do the generic Nature or Science), and also ad back in NPR. It's sooo good.
c) I would tweak the so excited to go to college statement to: Without a doubt, that is why I am so adamant to go to Brown. Make them think they're your one true love!
d) At Brown, all the resources I need to have the life I love and thrive in with the regulars at Barnes & Noble are there and ripe for the picking. -- this line needs work. good idea but doesn't quite work -- the regulars -- phrase is confusing.
Show this to other people and get their thoughts. When you write these essays you gots to be shameless :)
