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"intelligent and driven father" - Common App essay for Ivies


Hamburglar 1 / 1  
Jan 11, 2011   #1
I've already submitted since the deadline has passed, and I originally thought my essay was good. However, I now have the feeling that it is incredibly generic and boring, and I am looking for some feedback. Please be honest! I am a well-qualified student overall so I won't be rejected just because of this. Therefore I want some genuine opinions. Here it is:

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Family, background, and environment are all among numerous variables that factor into one's upbringing, and that shape them into the person who he or she is. As far as my environment is concerned, I have been extremely fortunate to have grown up living a very comfortable life. My family is financially secure, and we never have to be concerned about where our next meal is coming from. My immediate family is also unified: we all love one another, and we are mostly free of friction and strife.

In this privileged environment, it is undoubtedly my parents who have influenced me the most in my life. My mother is a bright and hard-working physician. While she works long hours, Mom is always able to find time to spend with and talk to me. She is kind and compassionate, and someone who I feel that I can always look to for comfort and guidance.

My father is very intelligent and driven. He had a successful career as a lawyer and is now a federal judge. A perfect fit to his profession, Dad is stern and passionate in his beliefs. His personality makes him a towering and imposing figure, and he is immensely respected by me and everyone who knows him.

I love both my parents very much, and they have had an enormous influence in shaping my personality and who I am. Mom and Dad have always pushed me very hard to be successful in everything I pursue, especially school. When I was in elementary school and would bring home a bad grade on a test or progress report, I remember my parents would be furious. They would "ground" me, prohibiting me from playing video games or using the computer for a set period of time as punishment for my wrong-doing, and as an incentive to improve my schoolwork. While their actions were well-intentioned and would usually procure the result they desired, they were certainly missing the mark in what they believed was incentivizing me to improve. It was not nearly as much the punishment as their disappointment that stung. I felt that I had let them down and failed them. From this young age, what I have always striven to do is to make my parents proud.

My parents' constant pushing for my success has made me resolute, driven, determined, and, almost paradoxically, very independent in almost everything I pursue. They no longer need to devote their efforts to keeping me on track: I have now fully acknowledged the hard work that will be required to achieve my lofty goals. I do not want the status of my life to be labeled as simply "satisfactory". I do not want to settle for mediocrity, and I do not want to merely "blend in". I want to reach great heights, and I want the respect and approval of my future peers. I could probably be called ambitious, and I've never considered the term negative: If one reaches as high as they can and never forgets their compassion and integrity, then their ambition can only change the world for the better.

To me, all that I have described encompasses a desire for success. I define success as a complete realization of one's potential. My potential has been forged by my having a very fortunate upbringing and coming from intellectually driven parents who love me, as well as push and support me in everything that I pursue.

I want to make them proud.

I feel a bit silly about it because I have recently read about some Asian (I am Hispanic) parents who push their children 1000x harder than my parents... I feel this essay is not only generic, but silly in that the issues I am describing are nothing compared to what many applicants face. Please be harsh if necessary, and thank you very much for any feedback provided!
ltpvan 5 / 35  
Jan 11, 2011   #2
I have been extremely fortunate to have grown up living a very comfortable life.

My family is financially secure, and we never have to be concerned about where our next meal is coming from. My immediate family is also unified: we all love one another, and we are mostly free of friction and strife.

Totally irrelevant.

A perfect fit to his profession, Dad is stern and passionate in his beliefs.

How did his being "stern and passionate" help shapes you as a person? Give some specific example.

While their actions were well-intentioned and would usually procure the result they desired, they were certainly missing the mark in what they believed was incentivizing me to improve. It was not nearly as much the punishment as their disappointment that stung. I felt that I had let them down and failed them. From this young age, what I have always striven to do is to make my parents proud.

Good stuff. You realize their "incentive-izing" at a young age; however, this is totally irrelevant to the prompt unless you connect it with other points.

My parents' constant pushing for my success has made me resolute, driven, determined, and, almost paradoxically, very independent in almost everything I pursue.

Whoa, when did they "constantly pushing for your success"? I don't think 'grounding' is an effective example here.

Sigh, while it's true that Asian pushes their kids 1000x time harder, but that doesn't make an experience unique. An experience is only unique when a person learn or acquire something from it.

The prompt is asking for "a person." At first, you mention your dad, which is great. But then, you convert everything into "my parents did this or that" which is so generic. Reading this, I haven't learn anything about you except those that you explicitly stated at the end, which is:

I do not want the status of my life to be labeled as simply "satisfactory". I do not want to settle for mediocrity, and I do not want to merely "blend in". I want to reach great heights, and I want the respect and approval of my future peers. I could probably be called ambitious, and I've never considered the term negative: If one reaches as high as they can and never forgets their compassion and integrity, then their ambition can only change the world for the better.
To me, all that I have described encompasses a desire for success. I define success as a complete realization of one's potential. My potential has been forged by my having a very fortunate upbringing and coming from intellectually driven parents who love me, as well as push and support me in everything that I pursue.
I want to make them proud.

Those bold points are great if you had scatter them throughout your essay instead of bunching them in that one huge blob. Depending on the adcom, they can either take or leave the points you are trying to make. To portray the positive qualities that you have, you should use some solid example as reinforcement.

Good luck :D

Have time? Look at mine to return the favor! Thanks
mwgstan 1 / 7  
Jan 11, 2011   #3
I think the main thing is that they wanted you to reflect on yourself in your essay. (Note: yourself, not your parents!) Besides that, the cliche is bad, but that won't be the killer, I think. Your writing's clearly better than just proficient. And really, it's not about trying to find the biggest hardship to go through in order to have a good essay. It's about letting them get to know you, right?

I think I'm in the same boat as you - I wrote about friendship...or something. Luck to the both of us, eh?
dlanki - / 24  
Jan 12, 2011   #4
well, i think your writing is good but your story isn't unique; everybody experiences parental pressure. You should have used more example to try and make it stand out and bring out some uniqueness in your experience
wendywhy 2 / 3  
Jan 12, 2011   #5
I am an international student so I can't get you very good comment about the language and stuff. But it is not a bad essay at all and there is no need to worry, as you said. I do get a convincing picture about your family and how it's shaped you. And I like you conclusions about ambition in the end. However, the only concern I have is whether it could stand out in similar stories... and somehow it seems to fall into the "show, not tell" trap.

By the way, thanks for your nice comment on mine!! Best of luck!!


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