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My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China

yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 23, 2014   #1
Thank you Louisa.

I will fix the first personal statement and repost it when I am done. If you have time, can you give a feedback on my second personal statement as well?

My intended is Economics.

The prompt is What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

My curiosity for economy arose when I was backpacking in China three years ago. I was fortunate to experience the prospective world's largest economy in Shanghai, China. What made me surprised was not only the country's rapid economic growth but their enormous market size. It made me think that everyone in any country can be the potential customer in the global market and that the market will keep growing with limited barriers, if any.

The "Made In China" goods are often perceived as an object of derision because of its mimicked goods. When Japanese started making their automobiles in early 20th century, they mimicked both European and American cars. In Shanghai, some of the cars from SAIC Motor looked very similar to Honda Fit and Toyota Corolla. A success story of Japanese automobile crossed my mind. Considering China's huge market and its rapid growth in various industries, I thought for a moment that the recognition of the term "Made In China" would be changed soon. I was thrilled to see what kind of economic situation would bring to the world economy once the United States passes the baton to China.

Right after my trip to S. Korea and China for 3 months, I came back to the States. It was time to begin my academics and become knowledgeable about economics. Thankfully, I could meet wonderful economic professors in my college and began to learn this fascinating subject; learning about supply and demand, the fundamental concept for price determination was an eye opener followed by lots of theories by economists, and influence of the media and political issues on economics. I began to enjoy being able to see the world more broadly while I could comprehensively understand the cause and effects of certain economic issues. One of my professors also introduced us how stock market was working and I began stock trading as well. Investing some of saved money from my part time work was not a lot but it was large enough to make me sensitive to the fluctuating stock prices due to news about enterprises and government policy. As I have been doing stock trading, I could educate myself to be analytic about news and to know how enterprises thrives with their business strategies.

During my second year in college, I got an opportunity to become a professional seller on eBay. As a weight lifter, I have always sought a cheaper way to buy protein and I finally found one seller on Craigslist who was selling the products in bulk for less than a half of the regular price. I decided to buy 120 bags and sell them again on eBay. My family was skeptical about my plan but I was confident because I have learned economics! To attract buyers, I decided to have lower profit margin. As a result, 72 bags were sold within a month and I purchased 300 more bags. Meanwhile, I had a hand-on experience on economics as I was competing with other sellers. One of other sellers challenged me because he was selling at extremely lower price. I contacted him and we compromised on price, which won't hurt sellers but still lower enough to be compatible in the market. After 9 months, I had sold everything. I was excited to actively participate in market system and this experience encouraged me to pursue more education in economic field and to become a person who can positively impact the world.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 23, 2014   #2
Jiseung, your experience perfectly answers the essay prompt. It has a number of grammatical errors and can actually be shortened in certain paragraphs but I would like to first see how you can revise the essay to become shorter. The ebay portion is a bit too long and could use with some cutting down. In its place, I would like you to write a paragraph that presents the way your interest really developed in Economics. State some of the questions that ran through your head as you observed the market place in China and S. Korea. What made you think that the world economy would expand without limits? What made you realize that economics is an important part of a globalized world? I have some more suggestions to make for this essay but I want to see how you will include the answers to the questions I pointed out first. Don't worry about the length. I can help you bring it down to the correct word count once we have finalized the content :-)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #3
Jiseung, let me show you another way to approach this essay. Your ideas are good but the presentation needs work. I'll make a template for you to follow or base your next revision on. It should help make the essay more coherent and informative :-)

I can honestly say that I had no interest in Economics until I traveled to China three years ago. It was during this backpacking trip that I was exposed to the fact "Made in China" did not mean inferior goods and a black market economy. Rather, the country has a buslting economy just waiting for the United States to pass the baton to them.

The enormouse market size and rapid economic growth based upon the "Made in China" products showed me that any country can service the needs of the global customer due to the collapse of the economic barriers with the advent of the globalized market. The globalized market will only continue to grow and China will be at the forefront of that economic expolosion. "Made in China" will soon be as trusted a brand in the vast consumer market as "Made in Japan" cars and "Made in the USA" technologies.

I admit that I did not expect to see a highly modernized and affluent nation when I first landed in China. Somehow my images of their economy still included people working the rice paddies. Seeing Modern China opened my eyes to the importance of economic growth in the stability and financial comfort of their citizens. Having learned about the growth and positive effect of the Chinese economy upon its people, I found myself want to learn more about the rudiments of economics and how it can best serve the globalized world we live in.

Upon my return to the U.S. I threw myself deeply into the world of Economics. Trying to learn everything that I could about stock trading, stock indexes, and investment strategies. This was the start of my interest in economics and the spark that ignited the capitalist in me.

As I began to develop solid footing in economics by dabbling in stock trading, I began to feel the need to try and develop another aspect of my personality in relation to economics. Being an avid body builder, I often purchased protein powders online. Having found a Craiglist supplier who sold the product at half the price, I began to purchase the products for reselling on ebay, aside from my personal use. While my parents were skeptical about this attempt of mine, I eventually showed them that I understood economics and marketing by producing hefty profits from my sales. Needless to say, I continue to dabble as sales on ebay using the same product up to our present time.

So the experience in China, coupled with my experience as an ebay seller have all helped me to develop the mindset of an economist and has spurred me to learn as much as I can about Economics in order to help further propely my personal business ventures and hopefully, help the unstable U.S. economy find its proper footing again in the future.

Your essay should sound similar to this :-)
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 24, 2014   #4
Thank you so much Louisa.

Can I use this as my foundation and add some more information if needs to?

I will try to fix the personal quality/first statement similar to this one and post it here for your advice.

Again, thank you so much!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #5
No problem. Go ahead and use it. You will notice that I did leave portions where you can add information to as you may want to. Just remember to adhere to the same writing style for continuity and make sure not to deviate from the topic of the paragraph. You may add as much or remove as much information as you want to from the original work I gave you. After you finish your editing post it here so that I can review it again and fix any continuity errors that may have resulted from the additions or deletions that you made to the work. Good luck!

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